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BoardFlak

Some of these were in a post on the first page, but this is an expanded listing:Things you wish you could say at work and Useful Insults. 1. Ahhh...I see the foul-up fairy has visited us again. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it. 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. No, my powers can only be used for good. 24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication. 25. Who, me? I just wander from room to room. 26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? 27. Do I look like a people person? 28. This isn't an office. It's **** with fluorescent lighting. 29. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 31. You! Off my planet! 32. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 34. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 35. Allow me to introduce my selves. 36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 42. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number one? 44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 46. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done. 47. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks. 49. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 51. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. 52. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 53. Well, aren't we just a ray of sunshine? 54. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 55. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 57. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control. 58. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. 59. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 60. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 61. Aw, did I step on your poor itty-bitty ego? 62. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 63. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. 64. Earth is full, Go home. 65. It'll be ready Thursday - I just don't know which Thursday. 66. I have a patience deficiency and you're not adding to my supply. 67. No idea is too poorly thought out to become policy around here. 68. He's as sharp as a beach ball. 69. Stupidity doesn't count as a handicap, park elsewhere. 70. I would engage in a battle of wits with you, but I refuse to duel with an unarmed person. 71. The proctologist called. They found your head. 72. His elevator won't go to the top. 73. She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal. 74. People would follow him, but only out of morbid curiosity. 75. Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain. 76. If ignorance is bliss you must be enraptured. 77. Everyone has a photographic memory, you just don't have film. 78. You couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in clue musk and did the clue mating dance. 79. Just because your head is pointed, that doesn't mean you're sharp. 80. May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful. 81. If my dog looked as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk around backwards. 82. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, you're abusing the privilege. 83. All foam, no beer. 84. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change. 85. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. 86. People like you should not be allowed to breed. 87. What part of "no" escapes you? 88. There is a dimension where you make sense, but I don't live there. 89. The Twilight Zone has nothing on this place. 90. Every time I walk in here, I expect to see Rod Serling doing an intro. 91. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. 92. He's not smart enough to figure out the answer, but he's just dumb enough to ask the question. 93. Just because it is technically possible, does not make it operationally desirable. 94. Excuse me, but a vision without resources is better known as a hallucination. 95. I have been told to develop a list of specific unknown problems that we may encounter before we encounter them. 96. Nothing can be made foolproof, fools are too ingenious. The very best you can hope for is fool-resistant. 97. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 98. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 99. I know the inmates are running the asylum, but do we have to advertise?100. You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps. 101. I need a vacation day: this place is starting to make sense.102. If you can throw enough overboard, fast enough, even the most rapidly sinking ship will seem to right itself and float. That doesn't mean it isn't still sinking. 103. He has such poor memory he mistakes it for a clear conscience.104. Some things are absolute: infinity times zero is still zero, and an idiot with experience is still an idiot. 105. He'd start an argument with his own reflection.106. I have just about enough patience left to deal with one more screaming fathead today, and you're second in line.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Plukaduk

Two engineering students were walking around uni when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one **** of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

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Martini Lover

The Horseback Riding Blonde A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip.She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. To her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. :D

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DarkSerge

A physics teacher way back in high school used to pass this out to his classes.Of Cats, Toast, and AntigravityIf you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread butter side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splatter on the ground?Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself, you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat must not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to solve this paradox. Therefore, it simply does not fall.That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.Most of the civilized species of the universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard my most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred kitties.The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course, the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing, several tons of red-hot starship and ticked off aliens crash on top of them.And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device.One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are held in stasis?I offer a modest proposal:We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the laundromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work well in deep gravity well, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the antigravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

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  • 11 months later...

My Employment History:My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but Igot canned...... I just couldn't concentrate.Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I justcouldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn'tsuited for it -mainly because it was a sew-sew job.Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that wastoo exhausting.Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a littlespice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it,I couldn't cut the mustard.My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I foundI wasn't noteworthy.I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn'thave any patience.Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I justdidn't fit in.I became a Professional Fisherman, but discoveredthat I couldn't live on my net income.I managed to get a good job working for a PoolMaintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they saidI wasn't fit for the job.After many years of trying to find steady work, Ifinally got a job as a Historian - until I realized therewas no future in it.My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had toquit because it was always the same old grind.SoooooooooooooI TRIED RETIREMENT, AND FOUND I'MPERFECT FOR THE JOB!

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The :) And GWBGeorge Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to **** where the devil is waiting for him "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over such was his fate in ****. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

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Actually, I rather enjoyed that ... but if you must venerate Politicians.......Here's a couple of jokes for more senstive eyes/ears:A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato,and salad," says the man."Same," says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer."Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, Iwould just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.""That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the talking ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."------------------------------------------What do you call a donkey with one leg?A wonky donkey.What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?A winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg and one eye?A dinky winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?A bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?A stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?A honky tonky stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a bus?F**kin' talented!

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Guest LilBambi

who knew the beatles were computer experts?Singing at the office " YESTERDAY" Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. "LET IT BE" When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, speaking words of wisdom: Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C. "IMAGINE" Imagine there's no Windows, It's easy if you try. No fatal errors or new bugs To kill your hard drives. Imagine Mr. Bill Gates Leaving us in peace! Imagine never ending hard disks, It isn't hard to do. Nothing to del or wipe off And no floppy too Imagine Mr. Bill Gates Sharing all his money. You may say I'm a hacker, But I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us And your games will fit in RAM Imagine 1-Giga RAM I wonder if you can. No need for left-shifts or setups And no booting again and again. Imagine all the systems Working all life-time! You may say I'm a hacker, But I'm not the only one. Maybe someday I'll be a cracker And then I'll make Windows run.* received in email from a Firesign Theatre fan and Linux user ... can you tell? :whistling:EDIT: Last one may not really very funny because of the cracker thing, but left it in because it was one of the ones in the email. The FST fan/Linux user was just passing it along...not the originator. B)

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Guest LilBambi

Whoa! Unless (1) the place smelled funky to begin with or, (2) they kept that place chilled to refrigerator temps -- wouldn't they have notice there was something dead by then? B)

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Whoa! Unless (1) the place smelled funky to begin with or, (2) they kept that place chilled to refrigerator temps -- wouldn't they have notice there was something dead by then? B)
Well it is from the New York Times. :w00t: They have ben known to make up stories in the past. B)
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The Birds and the Bees...The Modern Version:============================================A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find outanyway!"You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set upa date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked intoa secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreedto do a download from my hard drive.As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us hadused a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, ninemonths later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:"You've Got Male"

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Plukaduk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2%milkA carton of eggsA quart of orange juiceA head of romaine lettuce2 lb. can of coffeeAnd a 1lb, package of baconAs she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said," Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that"?The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Edited by Plukaduk
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  • 2 months later...

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look."That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration."Thanks" the girl says.The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles."Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster "The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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  • 5 months later...

Bloke gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a stunning blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move."You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?""OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"The bloke is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea.""So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"__________________________________A Blonde that is not so dumb!A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice- Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill With three legs, and comes down with four?"The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and he Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500 The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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...."So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"...The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
B) and :)
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