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This is a classic one I got from my Dad a long time ago, before I even had a computer: HILLBILLY MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FER THE LAYMAN...
;) ;)
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  • Plukaduk

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A couple of intellectually challenged brothers hear about the housing bubble and decide to become house builders. And they invest all of their savings in tools, equipment and materials. As they are building their first wall, the older brother watches in exasperation as the younger brother tosses every other nail over his shoulder. Finally the older brother shouts at the younger brother, "What in the world are you doing throwing half the nails away? If you treat everything like that, we'll go broke."The younger brother answers, "It's not my fault. Half of these nails have the heads on the wrong side!"To which the older brother replies, "You idiot! Those are for the other side of the house!"

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A man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman."What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer."I'm going to a lecture." The man said."And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked."My wife." said the man. A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him. "How bad is it?" the doctor asks. "I have no idea", says the husband. "Well, please test her. Say something 20 feet away, and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing until she does. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?" No answer.From 10 feet, "What are we having for dinner?" No answer.From 5 feet, "What are we having for dinner?" No answer.Finally he's standing right behind her. "What's for dinner?"She turns around, looks at him and says "For the fourth time, beef stew!"

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Guest LilBambi

A project manager, hardware engineer and software engineer were in a car heading down a hill when the brakes failed. The driver managed to get it stopped by using the gears and a convenient dirt track.All three jumped out and after peering under the car the hardware engineer said, "I see what the problem is and with this handy roll of duct tape I think I can fix it good enough to get us to the next town". The project manager quickly interrupted, "No, no, no. Before we do anything we need to decide on a vision for our future, figure out a plan and assign individual deliverables". At which point the software engineer said, "You know what, I think we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it happens again".

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Johnnie Cochran's widow tells her therapist, "It was so sudden. I can hardly believe he's gone. I'm finding it difficult making the funeral arrangements."And the therapist says, "If he does not stir, you must inter."

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Martini Lover

Bread: The Half-Baked Truth Revealed More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative: 99.9 percent of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread 99.7 percent of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident 93.1 percent of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 80 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.Newborn babies can choke on bread.Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:No sale of bread to minors.A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

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BoardFlak
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged for suggestions.NASA responded with a one line memo... "Defrost the chicken".  :lol:

The MythBusters TV show actually tested this one...twice. The first time, they didn't think there was a difference, but they re-thought it and did it again, and found that it really did make a difference if the bird was defrosted.If the whole tale were real, though, you'd have to wonder how NASA knew to tell them that.... Edited by BoardFlak
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The MythBusters TV show actually tested this one...twice. The first time, they didn't think there was a difference, but they re-thought it and did it again, and found that it really did make a difference if the bird was defrosted.If the whole tale were real, though, you'd have to wonder how NASA knew to tell them that....

Myth Busted... Edited by Plukaduk
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  • 5 weeks later...
Plukaduk

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.You know, he says, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk.The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,What would you like to discuss?Oh, I don't know, says the guy. How about nuclear power?OK, says the blonde. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, I haven't the slightest idea.So tell me, says the blonde, How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap? >_< :thumbsup:

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BoardFlak

At the Baseball Game-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A family moved to a new town because the father's job got transferred. After a couple of weeks had gone by, the father took his son to a local baseball game. About the middle of the second inning, a vendor came up through the stands calling, "Pop...corn...pop...corn..." The father motioned him over, and said "We'll have two popcorns, please." The vendor replied "I'm sorry, sir, I ain't got no popcorn. I got this here sody pop, and this fresh-roasted, buttered and salted corn on the cob. That's what I've got." The father was a bit embarrassed, so he bought two soda pops and two ears of corn. After the vendor had moved off, he turned to his son "You don't mind, do you?" "No, Dad," came the reply, "I was thirsty, and the corn's good too. But if another guy comes around yelling 'Pea...nuts...pea...nuts...' you'd better find out what he's selling first!"

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littlebone
At the Baseball Game--------------------------------------------------------------------------------But if another guy comes around yelling 'Pea...nuts...pea...nuts...' you'd better find out what he's selling first!"

Well, continuing in that vein:What's the difference between the Tango and pea soup?You can learn to Tango. Edited by littlebone
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DarkSerge

Fun fact: It is impossible to lick your elbow.Corporate Policy -Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.More fun facts:A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

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BoardFlak

The duck's quack not echoing was another one Mythbusters took on, but I forget what the conclusion was.

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BoardFlak

Tourist: So, you're saying that this family offended the goddess Pele, and she made the volcano erupt and sent lava to destroy their house? Hawaiian Investigator: That's right. It was a clear case of aggravated basalt.

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Gotta love the Aussie's An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge,burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big,burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says. The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank ******* sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Aussie says to the bartender,"When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f#*kin' crowbar from Bunnings."

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hkspike

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes many bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

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