Jump to content

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 208
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Plukaduk

    36

  • epp_b

    34

  • georgeg4

    24

Dumb Robbers Two idiots rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After a while they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?" "Half a million" "Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?" "I bought a house. How about your sack?" "Bah... it was full o' bills" "And what did you do with them?" "Eh well... little by little, I'm paying them off..." ;) Two Jewish people walking down the street and one finds a pay packet with $650.00 in it. "Joshua, you are so lucky!""Lucky! Look at the tax I payed". B)

Edited by Plukaduk
Link to post
Share on other sites

Two elderly men were sitting on a park bench, one of them turned to his companion and said "Fred your 84 the same age as me, I'm full of aches and pains... how do you feel?" Fred said "I feel like a new born baby... no teeth, no hair and I just wet myself". :thumbsup:

Link to post
Share on other sites
Custody Battle Ruling:A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morning...
I don't even follow football (or even sports, for that matter), but SIZZZZZZZZZZLE! BURN! OUCH! :) :lol: :D :lol: :w00t: :lol: :D
Link to post
Share on other sites
Martini Lover

John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." John felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Black and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Steeler logo flag, and in every window, a Terrible towel. John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame." God said "So what's your point John?" "Well, why does Ben Roethlisberger get a better house than me?" God chuckled, and said "John, that's not Ben's house, it's mine."Good Luck ;) Pittsburgh ;) I see an all Pennsylvania Super Bowl in the future!

Link to post
Share on other sites

the pope's jet was vectored around severe weather making him nearly an hour late landing at the airport.he dashes off the plane into the waiting limo which proceeds to ease down the interstate at just below the speed limit.'i'm late, can you step on it?' asks the pope'o, no, your eminence, if i do i may get a ticket and then i'd loose my job' please the young driver.'well let me drive then' says the popeso, sure as shootin, the police pull over the speeding pope.the officer turns pale upon seeing the driver and calls hq.i i i've got a vip and don't know what to do... well is it the mayor? replies dispatchno.is it the govenor? no.well then just who do you think it is?i dunno, but he must be vastly important, he's got the pope driving for him!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Alway Be Nice To The Nurse...When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his butt. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation." :thumbsup:

Link to post
Share on other sites
Martini Lover

I love kid stories:I do my church's newsletter and these will be great fillers.Dear God Theology, kid style1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.There is nothing good in there now. Amanda2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love ,Alison5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in he whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.Peter15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.Mark17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.Barbara19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank And, saving the best for last . .23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Martini Lover

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red-light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this. They got me 7 times Monday and 5 times Wednesday. I wasn't able to find them today. :thumbsup:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Believe it or not, that's similar to something that actually happened :blink:Two senior citizens (men, of course) had their apartment looted while they were "entertained" by nude women.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
ross549

A joke with two endings..........The Energizer bunny and Peter Cottontail got into an argument. The squabble quickly escalated until some friends needed to call the police. The two were arrested and taken to jail.ENDING #1:One was later charged with Battery.ENDING #2:At their court hearing, the presiding judge, upon reviewing the day's agenda, said under his breath, "Well, it looks like we are going to have a bad hare day."- rim shot - :lol: :lol: :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
exsubdriversdod
Alway Be Nice To The Nurse...This joke originated, I think, in the movie, Carry on Nurse, circa 1960. The comment in the movie was "with a daffodil sir!"
Link to post
Share on other sites

Dumb Robbers Two idiots rob a bank and all they get away with are two sacks, so they keep one each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, "What did you find in your sack?" "Half a million" "Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?" "I bought a house. How about your sack?" "Bah... it was full of bills" "And what did you do with them?" "Well... little by little, I'm paying them off..." B)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Corrine

"The Borg versus Microsoft" -- "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcriptPicard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."Fifteen minutes later . . .Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."Two hours pass . . .Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."Picard "Identify."Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"Over the speakers:"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"

Link to post
Share on other sites
Temmu

good one, corrine!star trek the next generation.pikard: number 2, i have to go number 1.riker: er, number 1, i have to go number 2.pikard: if i go first, you'll be number 1, for a bit anyway, does that help?[fade to black]

Link to post
Share on other sites
DarkSerge

I don't know where or how I got this, but it's hilarious.I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded.In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt verywell to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couchat high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all overmy room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and the odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. God, I like monkeys.

Link to post
Share on other sites

During the current trial, Jacko is stuck at home out of ideas for entertainment so he summons his bodyguard and tells him to drive out and rent him a DVD to watch (as if he doesn't have enough at NeverLand). Bodyguard muses for a moment and says:"Shall I get Aladdin?""No way," says Jacko, "I'm in enough trouble already!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

A friend of mine sent me a link to a site featuring a Ted Goff cartoon.I clicked on the cartoon and it took me to -http://www.newslettercartoons.com/catalog/...i?sid=100882278Ted Goff wants money if you include his cartoons in your email ...Being the cheap skate that I am, I'm not sending one.Ted Goff has a web page were you can browse through over 4,000 of his cartoons! :thumbsup: If you type "coffee" into the search box on the above site, you'll find that eight cartoons have captions that mention coffee.IMHO, the funniest one has the caption,"There's still some work left in this one. Get him another pot of coffee." :P Enjoy,Bob Dietz

Link to post
Share on other sites
DarkSerge

This is a classic one I got from my Dad a long time ago, before I even had a computer: HILLBILLY MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FER THE LAYMAN Artery:: The study of fine paintingsBacteria:: Back door to the cafeteriaBarium:: What you do when CPR failsBenign:: What you are after you be eightCesarean Section:: A district in RomeColic:: A sheep dogComa:: A punctuation markCongential:: FriendlyD&C:: Where the White House isDilate:: To live longEnema:: Not a friendFester:: QuickerFibula:: Small lieGI Series:: Baseball game between soldiersHangnail:: A Coat hookImpotent:: Distinguished, Well knownLabor pain:: Getting hurt at workMedical staff:: Doctor's caneMinor operation:: Coal diggingMorbid:: A higher offerNitrate:: Lower than the day rateNode:: Was aware ofOrganic:: A church musicianOutpatient:: A person who has faintedPAP smear:: Fatherhood testPost-operative:: Mail carrierProtein:: In favor of young peopleRecovery room:: Place to do upholstryRectum:: Dang near killed him!Rheumatic:: AmorousSecretion:: Hiding anythingSeizure:: Roman EmperorSerology:: Study of English knighthoodTablet:: A small tableTerminal illness:: Getting sick at an airportTumor:: An extra pairUrine:: Opposite of your outVaricose veins:: Veins that are very close togetherVein:: Conceited

Edited by DarkSerge
Link to post
Share on other sites

I first heard this one over thirty years ago.

Got dis frien' from up 'round Shre'port.Mah frien' he rich. Eew! Rich!Wha' mah frien' he so rich, last week he take his lil' red-haired daughter down tah N'Orleans - checks dem into da N'Orlean's Hotel. Big hotel! Eew, big!Mah frien he so rich, he don' git dem a room.He don' git dem a suite.He git dem a whole flaw!Anyway's, dey checks in an' gone up to da flaw. An' mah frien' he tell his lil' daughter, "Gone inta de other room and play with yo' dollies. Yo' daddy has ta wait here fo' de bell boy." His lil' daughter gone inta da other room. An' mah frien' he wait fo' da bell boy.Aftern 'bout a minute, da bell boy - he come up wit da bags an' mah frien' he gib da bell boy a firty dallah bill. Da bell boy, he all grateful an' an say, "Anythin' ah can do to make yo' stay mo' pleasent suh."Mah frien' he wave da bell boy lil' closer. Put his arm on da bell boy. Lower his voice, an' say, "You know any place 'round here ah can git me a woman?"Da bell boy, he look at mah frien.' He look at dat firty dallah bill. He say, "Mista', you done come to de raght place."Mah frien' he waves his finger at da bell boy an' he say, "Not so quick. Can't be jes' any ol' woman. She got to meet mah specifies."Da bell boy, he taken 'nother look at dat firty an' he say, "Ah tink ah can meet yo' specifies. What is dey?"Mah frien' he say, "Well. She got ta be six foot fo' inch tall. Got ta weight eighty five pound. An' she gots ta hab red hair."Da bell boy, he rolls his eyes. An' he shakes his head. An' he say, "Ah don't tink ah can meet yo' specifies."Mah frien', he don't say nothin'. He take out a tausand dallah bill an' he tear it in half. He give one half to da bell boy an' say, "When you find da woman, ah gives you da uddah halfn da tausand dallah bill."Da bell boy, he gone - schumm! Right out a der, jest lak dat.'bout half an hour lata', mah frien' he get a call. It dah bell boy. He say, "Ah found a woman. She don' quite meet yo' specify, but she close. She only six foot three and three quarta' inch tall. She weight eighty seben pound. But she got red hair."Mah frien' he say, "Bring her on up. Ah cast an eye on her."Few minutes later, da bell boy come up. Mah frien', he cast anĀ  eye on da woman an' he give da bell boy da other half a da tausand dallah bill. Da bell boy, he gone. Schumm! Right out a der, jest lak dat.Mah frien', he go ober to de woman an' he whisper in her ear, "Go ober ta da middle ob da room and taken off ALL of yo' clothes."Da woman, she gone ober to da middle ob da room an schumm ALL her clothes off - jest lak dat!(Six foot three an' three quarter inch tall - weigh eighty seben pounds - gots red hair... :rolleyes: )Mah frien' don' say nothin.' He gone inta da other room. Bout a minute later, he back wit his little daughter and he say, "You sees dat woman in da middle ah da room? Iffen you don' drink yo' milk, you's gonna grow up to look lak dat!"
Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...