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Jennifer decided to visit a local fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt-prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"

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Guest Paracelsus

Glad to see this thread restored.We should never allow the actions of a few Bad Apples :harhar: to spoil the fun for everyone. :sweatingbullets:

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We should never allow the actions of a few Bad Apples to spoil the fun for everyone.
I'm a bad apple alright. :sweatingbullets: But, sir, I'd like to know how a theory about the genesis of sexual differentiation could be more offensive than ....:D arthritis due to drunkeness and womanizing?cannibalism?killing a nun with a golf ball? :harhar: and yes, a bullfight over two scrwany cows.? :D :) :) Edited by Jeber

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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.He said to himself: What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.The Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."Time stopped.....the bear froze.....the forest was silent.As a bright light shone upon the man, a booming voice came out of the sky:"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?""Very well," said the voice.The light went out.The sounds of the forest resumed.The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."patio. :P
LOL! B) ;)

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A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to ****?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him". A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute." A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. " A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

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A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.""Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?""Yes, I am," said the officer."Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

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Glad to see this thread restored.We should never allow the actions of a few Bad Apples  to spoil the fun for everyone. 
:unsure: i am afraid i was one of those bad apples . and i would like to say something . firast i feel a great kindred for everyone in this forum and secondly but most importantly i do not wish to offend anyone either here nor anywhere else . the jokes i posted were in poor taste and were the result of poor judgement on my part . so to anyone who was offended either directly or indirectly please accept my humblest apology

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Guest Paracelsus

You're a BIG man to say that, George.And I trust that you, and b2cm, understand that I was being PURELY facetious with my comment (ergo... the "harhar").You are both IMPORTANT components of this community :hug:Personally...I love risqué, spicy humour... with a good dose of double entendre and innuendo.And we can always share these, offline B)(You know how to reach me) B) :unsure:

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And I trust that you, and b2cm, understand that I was being PURELY facetious with my comment (ergo... the "harhar").
absolutely paracelsus i understand completely and no way did i take it to heart i just quoted you to agree with your comment .i dont take offense to anything that is said in here you of all peope should know that from previous bantering between us B) ;) :unsure: B)

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How to start each day with a positive outlook1. Open a new file in your PC.2. Name it "George W. Bush".3. Send it to the trash.4. Empty the trash.5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to getrid of George Bush?"6. Answer calmly, "yes," and press the mouse buttonfirmly.7. Repeat daily (until Nov 3) :unsure:

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It's just a topical joke.  Don't make more of it than it is...
or just make it a Kerry file... :blink: :hmm: :hmm: patio. :P

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This couple who had two beautiful daughters finally got a son . after he was born the father looked at him and said to his wife " why is it that this boy is so ugly . have you been cheating on me ? ' with that the wife answered " NOT THIS TIME "

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What did Mary Cheney say when Bill O'Reilly called? You got the wrongggggg number baby...- Jay Leno (Friday evening show) :drooling: o:) :devil:

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Bad News...This guy goes to the doctor for a check up. After some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.Guy: And the bad news?Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!Lab results...Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday The Note...Fred had been very religious and was in the hospital in a very ill condition. The family called their priest to stand with them.As the priest stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate suddenly and Fred motioned frantically for something to write on.The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper. Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then he died.The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.At Fred’s funeral, as he was finishing the ceremony, the priest realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died.He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."He took the note from his pocket and read, "You are standing on my oxygen tube!"

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Why is a doctor like a duckthey both have big bills and they both fly south for the winter

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A priest, a hippie and a lawyer were on a small commuter flight in Africa. Suddenly, the pilot, looking agitated, announces "we only have enough fuel for a few more minutes. I'll see you on the ground." He grabs a parachute from the wall and jumps. The three remaining men see that their are only two parachutes left, and realize that one person will have to sacrifice himself. They decide to each give a reason why they should live. The priest says "I've got much work to do in the mission field, I should live to complete that work, although if I should die I've at least made an impression."The hippie says "I'm needed in the ecology battle, but I've already done enough environmental work to make an impression, so I'm ready to die." The lawyer says "I'm the worlds smartest lawyer, but nobody knows it yet. If I die now, nobody will know it. I have to live!" And with that he grabs a chute and jumps. The priest looks at the hippie and says "Go, my son. You take the last parachute. I'm prepared to die." The hippie says "Heck, Father, no need for that! The worlds smartest lawyer just jumped out with my backpack strapped on!"

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Why is a doctor like a duckthey both have big bills and they both fly south for the winter
In the southern hemisphere, the directions are reversed. B)

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In the southern hemisphere, the directions are reversed.  :)
Why that sounds like Superman's Bizarro world... B)

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What the doctor Really means..."Well, what have we here...?"--- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue."Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"--- I'm stalling for time."If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."--- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."Let me check your medical history."--- I want to see if you've paid your last bill beforespending anymore time with you."Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."--- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,you're going to pay for it."This should be taken care of right away."--- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."Let me schedule you for some lab tests."--- I have a forty percent interest in the lab."Let's see how it develops."--- Maybe in a few days it will grow into somethingthat really needs to be cured."I'd like to prescribe a new drug."--- I'm writing a paper and would like to use youfor a guinea pig."That's quite a nasty looking wound."--- I think I'm going to throw up."This may smart a little."--- Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues."This should fix you up."--- The drug company slipped me some big bucksto prescribe this stuff. Hope it works..."Everything seems to be normal."--- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."I'd like to run some more tests."--- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

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The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the house."He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!"I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.""Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"His wife replied, "The funeral director."

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n the southern hemisphere, the directions are reversed. sad.gif
ok here goes the southern hemisphere versionwhy is a duck like a doctorneither one has a bill neither one can flyso the doctor follows the duck north on his way to the north pole :w00tx100: :happyroll: :w00tx100: :harhar: :harhar: :harhar:

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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies... "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." "The cab driver becomes very excited and says , "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!!!" "OK", the nun says, "Pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?" He sobs, "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party".

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As seen in a dog's diary: 8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favourite! 9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favourite 10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favourite! 11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favourite! Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favourite! 1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favourite! 3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favourite! 4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favourite! 5pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favourite! 7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favourite! 9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favourite! As seen in a cat's diary: Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair -- must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. However, I can wait; it is only a matter of time...

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Yeah, well at least dogs aren't too snobby and ignorant to actually listen to you :hmm:

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Yeah, well at least dogs aren't too snobby and ignorant to actually listen to you :huh:
Your correct... they don't mind humpin' your leg either. :hmm:

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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself Out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if heHad any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paintmy porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she wouldNeed were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said toHer husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around thehouse?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe allThose 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money."You're finished already?" the husband asked."Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it Two coats."Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed It to her."And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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