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I walked into the rest stop bathroom and had barely sat down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying,  "Hi, how are you?".....
:lol: :P :D :w00tx100: :w00t: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged for suggestions.NASA responded with a one line memo... "Defrost the chicken". :D

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Guest Paracelsus
British engineers
:D :D :lol:British and Engineering is almost like...German and Fashion Design...Or, Irish and Haute Cuisine(Sorry... LR made me say that)
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:lol:  :lol:  :lol:British and Engineering is almost like...(Sorry... LR made me say that)
Seen printed on a Condom Vending Machine in London U.K."Condoms tested to British Safety Standards."Underneath was scrawled "So was the Titanic".
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Guest Paracelsus

There was this Penguin having some trouble with his car, so he takes it to the local mechanic.The mechanic says it will take about an hour for him to check it over and try to find what's wrong...So the Penguin decides to go across the street to the dairy store for a hamburger and some ice cream.Well...The poor little guy, not having any hands, ends up getting ice cream all over his bill.With the hour nearly past...He waddles back to the garage and asks... "Did you find out what's wrong"? The mechanic looks up at him from under the hood and says... "It looks like you blew a seal""Nah", replies the Penguin... "That's just a little ice cream". :"> :"> :luck:

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Subject: Three Women & Three MenThree women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket."How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asksone of the men."Watch and learn," answers one of the women.They all board the train. The three men take their respective seatsbut all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes aroundcollecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticketin hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the returntrip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buyany ticket at all!!"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man."Watch and learn," answer the women.When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please." B) ;)P :D

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He took me by my slender neck,I could not call or scream.He took me to his dingy tent,Where we could not be seen.His fervent lips He pressed to mine,I could not make him stop.He took me for my very soul,I gave him every drop.He made me what I am today,That's why you'll find me here.An empty bottle thrown away,That once was full of beer!Bit of a let-down! o:)P :rolleyes:

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There's these three blokes (Yank with a broken arm, Pom on crutches, and an Aussie with a bad back) in the pub having a drink.The yank goes up to the bar to buy a round and the bartender says "You see that guy at the end there? That's Jesus"The Yank says "Go**amn if it aint, get one for him while your at it!"A short time later the Pom goes up to the bar and the bartender tells him about the distinguished guest.The Pom said "Good lord, so it is, make sure the good chap has a fresh drink will you"Then its the Aussies turn, same deal, Jesus up the end,"No s**t mate" give him a pot of ya best.Not long after that, Jesus finishes his drinks and heads over to the three at the table"You 3 have shown generosity and kindness when obviously you have dificulties of you own, so I would like to do something for you"He then touches the Yank on the head and his cast falls off, arm fixed.He touches the Pom on the head and his legs are fixed.He reaches out for the Aussie who jumps up screaming "Dont touch me! I'm on compo..." :hmm:

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Guest Paracelsus

As an aide for the less worldly...Courtesy of KoalaNet:

  • Pom, pommy : an Englishman
  • Pommy bas---d : an Englishman
  • Pommy shower : using deodorant instead of taking a shower.
  • Pommy's towel, as dry as a : very dry - based on the canard that Poms bathe about once a month.

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Guest Paracelsus
Aah.  Bit of a lazy bum, is he?
Lord!!... Have Mercy!!I provide you guys with with an excellent resource for understanding Aussie Slang...And you turn around and call ME lazy for not translating a term used to describe a person who may have imbibed a wee more than might be considered prudent :o
Aye ... might he be tossin' back a few tops now...
Wasn't then...Am now! :thumbsup:
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Martini Lover

Holiday Eating Tips1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet tableknows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leaveimmediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-maltscotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. Youcan't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that ithas 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn intoan eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashedpotatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk orwhole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports carwith an automatic transmission.5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control youreating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat otherpeople's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is thetime for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table whilecarrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frostedChristmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself nearthem and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre ofattention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,you're never going to see them again.8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, ifyou don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always havethree. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatorycelebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party orget up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; startover, but hurry, January is just around the corner.Remember this motto to live by:"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arrivingsafely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid insideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly usedup, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"Have an great holiday season!

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I provide you guys with with an excellent resource for understanding Aussie Slang...And you turn around and call ME lazy for not translating a term used to describe a person who may have imbibed a wee more than might be considered prudent :P
What are you talking about? I was referring to the Aussie in the joke. He's lazy and doesn't want to have to work.
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  • 4 weeks later...

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves.""That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?""You're a consultant." says the cowboy."Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; then you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I didn't ask; and you don't know anything about my business.""Now give me back my dog."

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Scientists today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened he coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards. When asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing.**********Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? But I don't even have a racket."**********A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?""Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?""No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"**********Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge."What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked."Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied."How does it work?", asked the guest."I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f**king morning!"**********A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"**********A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells at the top of her voice, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little b*stard on your knee!"

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A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture...
Pluka, that was too funny! :D
Scientists today exhumed Beethoven from his grave...
Sometimes, you just gotta love those groaners :w00t: (minus the profanity) Edited by epp_b
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Pluka, that was too funny! :lol:Sometimes, you just gotta love those groaners :D (minus the profanity)
I'm pleased that you thought it was funny... :D
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ross549

My apologies to any Vikings fans out there.... ;)

Custody Battle Ruling:A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morningwhen he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awardedcustody to his aunt.The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refusedto live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparentsthe boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judgedramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.Custody was granted to the Minnesota Vikings this morning as the boy firmlybelieves that they are not capable of beating anyone.
;) :D B) :w00t: :w00t:
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