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I came across these two recently <_< ----------------------------------------------------A case when a question would have been better than an answer...A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be ******," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." -----------------------------------------The Country SalesmanA keen young country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world. Essentially, you could purchase anything there.The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?""Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow. I’ll come and see how you’re doing after we close up."The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?""One," said the young salesman."Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?""Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man."Three hundred thousand dollars!"How’d you manage to accomplish that," asked the flabbergasted boss?"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and. . .first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium line and a really big line. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?""No," answered the salesman "He actually came in to buy some Midol for his wife…so I said, "Now that your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."------------------------------------------------

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Then there was the story of the priest and the nun who went golfing .On the third hole the priest missed an easy shot and said " D*** it I missed " The nun was shocked and said "Father you shouldnt curse like that ."The priest said "You are right sister I am sorry "all went well till the ninth hole when he missed an even easier shot . He said "g**d*** it i missed again "The nun said "FATHER IF YOU KEEP IT UP THE LORD WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN "He said again " I am really sorry you had to hear that sister it wont happen again "All the way to the eighteenth hole he held his temper.On the very last shot at the last hole he missed a two inch put .He then shouted " Damnit I missed again"Just then the sky clouded up and a bolt of lightning streaked down and hit the nun squarely .With that a loud voice boomed down from the sky"Damnit I missed again"

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And then there is the story of little TimmyThe teacher said " Children today we will play a little guessing game , I will go first , I am holding something in my drawer that is exactly 12 inches long , and it has number all along it."Little Timmy stood up and said " That's an easy one teacher it is a ruler "she said " thats right Timmy now its your turn.Timmy thought a moment and put his hand in his pocket and said " I am holding something that is about as big around as your little finger and it has a red tip on it "The teacher , shocked , said ." now tTimmy you should be ashamed of yourself"With that Timmy said " NO NO YOU ARE WRONG TEACHER IT'S ONLY A PENCIL"

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Q: What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.-------------------------------------Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the manager asked the prospect what kind of a salary he was looking for. "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package, he said." "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?" "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah, but you started it."

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A Swiss guy visiting America pulls up at a bus stop in Kansas City, Missouri where two locals are waiting."Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.The two just stare at him."Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.The two continue to stare."Parlare Italiano?"No response."Hablan ustedes Espanol?"Still nothing.The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first guy turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.""Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages and it didn't do him any good."

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest LilBambi

Why executives make more money:Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives will. Now, for the first time we have a rigid Mathematical proof that explains why this is in fact true.Postulate 1: Knowledge is power. Postulate 2: Time is money. As every Engineer knows, Work / Time = Power Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have Work / Money = Knowledge Solving for Money, we get: Work / Knowledge = Money Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

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Guest LilBambi

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

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Guest LilBambi

Notice of Patent Infringement RulingIn the case of Thor vs. Ug, wherein Thor, holder of patent 0000000001 for Method and Apparatus to Kill Large Beasts for Purposes of Eating, as implemented by Heavy Rock on End of Stick, contends that Ug has contravened the Digital Millenniu Copyright Act by disassembling Heavy Rock on Stick to make Pointed Rock on Stick, and that method of Poking Beasts Until Dead is essentially a foreseen variation of Hitting Beasts Until Dead, the Appeals court has ruled in Thor's benefit.Punitive damages assessed in the amount of 1 (One) Beast from each family descended from Ug are due to the family descendants of Thor.

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Two idiots went into a movie theater to see a horse race film. The first idiot said to his companion, "I'll bet you $5 that No. 2 will win the race."The second idiot agreed to the bet, and the horse won.After the movie, the first idiot said, "I have a confession to makeI saw the movie yesterday."The other idiot replied, "So did I, but I didn't think he would win twice in a row."

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ross549

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.:angry: :D :thumbsdown:

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there is the one where a man went up to the train conducter and asked for the time . "no problem said the conductor it is exactly 5:31 p.m. " the man said thanks and walked away . after about 5 steps he turned around and approached the same conductor " do you have the time " he said . the conductor said " no prtoblem it is 5:32 p.m. " he then looked up at the man and said " didnt you just ask me for the time a minute ago ?" and the man said " yes i did but my brother wanted to know also "

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i understand that corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetablesand olive oil is made from olives :P now my question is :P exactly where does baby oil come from

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LOL :P :P :w00t: :w00t: :w00t: ---------------------------3 women (a red head, blonde and brunet) walked into the bar with their boyfriends, a rabbi, a mormon and a male stripper. the bartender looked up and exclaimed, what is this, a joke? :D ---------------------------a rabbi, a catholic and a mormon were eating lunch. the rabbi says, i have 4 sons, if i had 5, i'd have a basketball team. the catholic man likewise says, i have 8 sons, if i had another, i'd have a football team. silence ensues. they stare at the mormon, who replies, you have it all wrong. i have 17 wives, if i had 1 more, i'd have a golf course! :(

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An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another old farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day. However, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news." "The mule died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with a dead mule?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."__________________________________________________________Giving more than 100%From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26, then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and, K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-*-*-*-* = 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% and, look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bull**** and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

Edited by Jeber
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... and from the mermaid movie, splash, with goldie hawn, my favorite line:the evil scientist approaches two men walking on the beach, 'well, if it isn't the moron brothers''we're not brothers!' :P

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Ha! OPening an old threa, eh...10 Ways to Tell You're in for a Bad DayYou Know You're in for a Bad Day When...1) You wake up face down on the pavement.2) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.3) You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office.4) Your twin sister forgets your birthday.5) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed.6) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.7) Your boss tells you to not bother taking off your coat.8) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.9) You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.10) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.----------------------------------------------------16 Ways to prepare for Ski SeasonThis is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski. Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now!11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

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Things You'd Love to Say At Work, But Can't01. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t.02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.03. How about never? Is never good for you?04. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.05. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.06. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.07. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...08. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.09. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a D***.14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?24. Do I look like a people person?25. This isn't an office. It's **** with fluorescent lighting.26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?36. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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The Doctor's VisitAfter a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This has to be all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." The psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder into a flame and there is a bright flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say, '1-2-3' and it shall rise and stay up for as long as you wish!"The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But be warned! It will not work again for a year!"The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. As they are lying in bed together he says "1-2-3". He suddenly gets an erection! His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.He said to himself: What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.The Atheist cried out: "Oh, my God!..."Time stopped.....the bear froze.....the forest was silent.As a bright light shone upon the man, a booming voice came out of the sky:"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?""Very well," said the voice.The light went out.The sounds of the forest resumed.The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen."patio. <_<

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The farmer got himself a new bull . he awas a magnificent animal big strong and virile . the other three bulls were intimidated by him .the first said to him as he approached do you see those 50 cows down there ? they are all mine but you may choose a dozen or so for your own .the second bull said you see those 25 cows over there ? they are mine but you can take as many as you want .the third bull ! a young little guy with just a cou[ple of nubs for horns . started to raise his back and snort and paw the ground as he got closernow the new bull looked at him and his two scrawny cows and said do you really want to fight me over those two scrawny cows you have therewith that the little guy saidNAW i dont want to fight you and you can have both my cows ' I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM ALSO A BULL

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SonicDragon

Read a couple of funny ones they other day. Actually, they are more like insults rather than jokes:"You know, some people say she is two faced, but i disagree. If she had two faces, why would she wear THAT one?!""I'm not being rude, you are just insignificant""Your place or mine? -- Both, you go to yours and I'll go to mine""Where have you been all my life?-- Probably not born yet"... good for real life situations :-P

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ross549

From the Forum Rules:

1. Please mind your language. Don't post anything you wouldn't want your parents or children to see. Please be aware that children 13 and younger are allowed to post with parental consent. This is a "family forum."
3. Do not post messages, or link to other sites, that are, or contain material that is, obscene, vulgar, sexually-explicit, defamatory, mean-spirited, threatening, or in violation of any laws. Think maybe you crossed the line? Members can edit and even delete their own posts. Exercise your right to "think twice" about something you may have posted thoughtlessly.
Folks, I had to remove some posts that were borderline and/or breaking the rules.Please remember the above two rules while posting. We have some young folks that post here, and we need to keep things "family-friendly."I now return you to your regularly scheduled insanity. :lol:
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