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Jeber: Quote from the newsletter:Anyway, this issue's Thread of the Week comes straight to you from Jeber. With his tongue firmly planted in cheek, he's offering "Really Bad Advice"Congrats with the thread of the week award !!! :unsure: Bruno

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I could sure use some really bad advice for a problem I'm having. My computer can't see my printer. At least, that's what it keeps telling me. I've tried everything I can think of to get this problem resolved, but it sure is a tough one. I even turned my monitor so that it faces my printer, but it still can't see it. I don't know what to do.

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Guest ComputerBob
...My computer can't see my printer. At least, that's what it keeps telling me...
Your local Best Buy sold you one of those new HP InvisiJet printers, designed for top secret printing. Your computer is not supposed to see it, nor are you. It prints with invisible ink, to prevent anyone from reading its printouts. It does a great job protecting government secrets from prying eyes, but unfortunately, it's not the best printer for home use.
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Guest LilBambi

LOL! :( For those really stubborn computers that just can't seem to find their printers, even after trying Big Jeff's, jbredmound's or ComputerBob's suggestions, you may want to try using the Sherlock Holmes Magnifing Glass Program, or was that the Hat, Pipe and Magnifying Glass program? Hmmm, can't remember, but I think it was developed by Baker Street Software.I can't remember the URL at the moment, but I am sure if you Google for it you will get some interesting leads, ah, I mean sites.According to some experts in the field, some computers just can't see their printers even with a webcam and other incentives as noted in earlier posts without this special program. It is as if they are in a London Fog with screams going on all around them and not being able to focus in on the printer.Some folks have said they had limited success with this Sherlock Holmes Program under this type of situation on a Windows PC. I think I remember reading that the best successes were on a MAC.But hey, it might be worth a try and easier than than trying to find a really talented brain surgeon for your computer, right? All the experts agree that computer brain surgery should really only be used as a last resort.

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threenorns

maybe your computer just needs a little persuasion of the technical variety...have you tried suspending an 8lb sledge directly in front of the monitor overnight? if that doesn't work, try a jacob's ladder or one of those funky static balls from the science centre -- the back door is busted and can be popped open with a swift kick 8" below and 3" to the right of the door handle.or so i've heard. :( threenorns

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Dear JeberI have read all your excellent advice, and I just KNOW that you can help me:I have this laptop computer that acts up every now and then. I'd be sitting here happily typing along, and then, suddenly, without warning, and for NO REASON whatsoever, the stupid &$X$%&!!! just freezes up! It's not like I did anything to it (like hit it or something), and I don't understand why it hates me so much. I've tried talking to it, both nicely and forcefully, but nothing helps. So, naturally, I start beating it, yelling words not suitable for your tender ears, hoping that it will make the laptop realize who's the boss and start working again. It never works ;) Sometimes it will freeze up when I take it off my lap and set it on the table, too. Do you think it suffers from separation anxiety?I love my laptop, but I am getting tired of all this, and I'm afraid I may do something bad to it one of these days. Please help me.

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GolfProRM
Dear JeberI have read all your excellent advice, and I just KNOW that you can help me:I have this laptop computer that acts up every now and then. I'd be sitting here happily typing along, and then, suddenly, without warning, and for NO REASON whatsoever, the stupid &$X$%&!!! just freezes up! It's not like I did anything to it (like hit it or something), and I don't understand why it hates me so much. I've tried talking to it, both nicely and forcefully, but nothing helps. So, naturally, I start beating it, yelling words not suitable for your tender ears, hoping that it will make the laptop realize who's the boss and start working again. It never works  ;) Sometimes it will freeze up when I take it off my lap and set it on the table, too. Do you think it suffers from separation anxiety?I love my laptop, but I am getting tired of all this, and I'm afraid I may do something bad to it one of these days. Please help me.
Are you using the Ice Cubes in the lap tip to prevent overheating problems? If so, this is probably the cause of all the freezing up. I'd suggest cutting down on the number of cubes in your lap and see if this helps! ;)
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Guest ComputerBob
....the stupid &$X$%&!!! just freezes up! It's not like I did anything to it (like hit it or something), and I don't understand why it hates me so much.... I've tried talking to it, both nicely and forcefully, but nothing helps. So, naturally, I start beating it, yelling words not suitable for your tender ears........I love my laptop, but I am getting tired of all this, and I'm afraid I may do something bad to it one of these days....
First of all, you've already done something bad to your computer. You've admitted that you've hit it and yelled obscenities at it. In some states, that makes you a felon. Of course your computer freezes -- it is freezing out of fear.You are a seething ball of rage. There is hope for your electronic family, but only if you and your computer both seek the professional psychological help that you so desperately need to help heal the deep emotional scars you've caused.Luckily for you, computers have short memories. Let's just hope that yours hasn't stored any of its traumas on its hard drive or CD-RW.
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linhudson

Dear Jeber,I just bought a brand-new '386' computer, and I deleted the operating system since I wanted to use something faster I had around the house to operate it. I thought that the can opener would work fine. I'm having some problems actually attaching it to the computer, however. Some other problems I'm having is my that the printer and camera that I got for the computer don't want to work at all. My friend told me that I should install some "soft-ware", but all that I got with the printer and camera were some stiff disks that look like small frisbies that were very difficult to break, but I could find no "soft-ware". So where should I find this "soft-ware"? By the way, I had to remove the coffee-cup holder to make a place for the can opener. The earlier article was very helpful. I used a chainsaw to remove mine though.

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Temmu

@lilbambi :lol: i never realized that's what dr. watson was for... :) (my dad was a sherlock holmes fan and would've appreciated it.)

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Atari , this is often a problem with older computers, (e.g. any system built more than 6 hours ago), and can be easily solved if you consider the fact that modern computers are becoming more and more like people. They too have memories and can store tons of data and information. We don't recognize people to whom we haven't been introduced. Computers can't recognize hardware until they've been properly introduced. Do this; host a small party in the room where you keep your computer, situate all your peripheral devices so that they're in a small circle facing one another, and ask each piece of hardware to share a little bit about themselves. Perhaps a short biography...where they were manufactured, who built them, where they were sold, that sort of thing. Offer refreshments (maybe a little power surge) and allow time for mingling. At the end of the day not only will your computer recognize all it's hardware, they'll be best of friends, allies, who would never do anything to cause problems or conflicts within their little community. Oh, and be sure to invite all the hardware's drivers as well. Can't have a truely moving experience without drivers.

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Jeber dude! Man I wanted to thank you for that chipped ice idea for cooling my pc. I tend to consider myself one of those pc enthusiasts and always looking for ways to top those hardware nuts at [H]ardocp. So I did indeed fill my case up with chipped ice and man oh man I got the highest overclock yet that I've ever seen! Ran like a champ for about 5 minutes, but then I started to notice smoke coming out of the case. Windows kind of quit working for some reason....I think it was one of the most recent updates I downloaded from Windows Update though. Anyway with the heavy smoke coming from the case now I came up with a brilliant idea and I'm actually quite proud of myself for coming up with the idea and not having to ask the mighty Jeber for advice....I now have my very own jerky smoker! I always wanted one of them things and now I can make all the beef jerky I can handle! It tastes a little different than the stuff I'm used to eating, but I figure I'll get used to it. Anyway thanks much....sorry for the delayed response getting back. I have to use my old 486 and 2400 baud modem to get online now. It takes a couple of days for a web page to load.... :lol:

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Guest LilBambi
@lilbambi  :lol: i never realized that's what dr. watson was for...  :) (my dad was a sherlock holmes fan and would've appreciated it.)
LOL! :) Sherlock Holmes is great! Have read just about every one out there! I even have many of them in html format that I have the annoying "Peedy" read to me at bedtime :)
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Don't forget to call (using your Neighbor's name) your local Mormon church and inform them that you would like more information about their church. This is a sure-fire way to make sure he'll get more mail (and more visits) than he'll know what to do with :)
Eh, forget the Mormons. Call the Scientologists! :) Wait. Check that. If *he* becomes a scientologist, and he lives next door, and all that you've already said about him, maybe you better not. :lol: dantanabanana
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dbale, welcome to our weird little part of the web. Good point. Stryder is going to need more than a laptop or shovel if his neighbor becomes a philosophical fundamentalist. :lol:

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Well, all I can say to this point is that his philosophies are clashing with my fundamentals...
Ohhhhh, if only I could post the first thought that entered my head when I read this! :o :D :P <_< But then I'd have to ban myself.
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Guest LilBambi
Well, all I can say to this point is that his philosophies are clashing with my fundamentals...
Ohhhhh, if only I could post the first thought that entered my head when I read this! :o :D :P :P But then I'd have to ban myself.
LOL! Good one! <_>
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Temmu

lilbambi - peedy reading at night! now there's a thought! :o jeber - i tried the pc hardware socialization thingy at work, now a couple of fellows with a white jacket want me to go with them... perhaps to help them with their hardware? <_< mchampfl - i'm sure he will! pre-requisites seem to be a shovel, ice cubes, water, and (optionally) chain saw - so have those standing by. :D

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i wonder if you could tell me if i have a dvd drive in my computer?
Yes, you do. But I could be mistaken. Looks like one from here. :D
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Guest LilBambi
lilbambi - peedy reading at night! now there's a thought!  :D jeber - i tried the pc hardware socialization thingy at work, now a couple of fellows with a white jacket want me to go with them... perhaps to help them with their hardware?  :D mchampfl - i'm sure he will!  pre-requisites seem to be a shovel, ice cubes, water, and (optionally) chain saw - so have those standing by.  :D
Temmu --Yes, I sometimes use AgentToy to read the books I have on local webpages. Easier on the eyes for reading books ;) I read quite a bit as it is and eyes tend to get very tired. :D I am sure they just wanted you to fix their computers at the hospital :D mchampfl --Oh, and don't forget the 8lb paper weights ;)
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jbredmound
jeber - i tried the pc hardware socialization thingy at work, now a couple of fellows with a white jacket want me to go with them... perhaps to help them with their hardware?  :D
No problem. Jeber's Doc, Dr Earle, will certify you as totally sane, and he even takes payments. Dr. Earle was the one that helped Jeber get into the CIA.He is well-known among the philisophical fundamentalists.AND, he has the Really Bad Advise Seal of Approval
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Jeber get into the CIA.
No, no, no. They were our clients. I never worked for them. (deny, deny, deny everything)
a couple of fellows with a white jacket want me to go with them...
Go peacefully...they can get nasty if you resist. You'll like the hospital. I can see Scot's house from here.
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Big Jeff

This is definitely a question Jeber needs to answer. He's responsible for so many coffee and soda screen and keyboard sprays, that I lost count. B) ;) ;) :D :)

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