Scot Posted April 22, 2003 Share Posted April 22, 2003 Jeber, you Ann Landers (RIP) of computing, please help me with this.All this talk of thin boxers, frying eggs, and warming yourself on computers puts me in mind of this health warning about laptops and, uh ... laps. Should I be afraid? Good gawd, I own three laptops. I'm hoping that you can give out medical advice too!Also, do my laptops need case mods to prevent catastrophe?-- Scot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quint Posted April 22, 2003 Share Posted April 22, 2003 Jeber, you Ann Landers (RIP) of computing, please help me with this.All this talk of thin boxers, frying eggs, and warming yourself on computers puts me in mind of this health warning about laptops and, uh ... laps. Should I be afraid? Good gawd, I own three laptops. I'm hoping that you can give out medical advice too!Also, do my laptops need case mods to prevent catastrophe?-- ScotGood case for asbestos slacks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbredmound Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 BERGEN!!!I grew up loving the guy and I get his NAME WRONG!Where's the blushing Smilie...I need the blushing smilie... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbredmound Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 Oh, and Scott, as one of the medical professionals in this forum, I can advise you that if you have clocked up your laptops, they don't belong on your lap. If you insist on having them on your lap, don't wear polyester pants (you could be out of commission for a long time. I might also suggest that you wear welder's gloves when working with any over-clocked laptop, just in case you happen to touch some part other than the keyboard.Cool thing is, the laptops in question make great substitutes for camp stoves! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted April 23, 2003 Author Share Posted April 23, 2003 (edited) Should I be afraid? Good gawd, I own three laptops.If you have a lap large enough to hold 3 laptops, yes, you should be afraid, specifically of sitting down in any house with more than 5 cats or three small children. As to your citation...I would have suggested to this gentleman, who already has his government-allowed two children, that he get a vasectomy instead of "accidently" trying to melt his "lap". It would be a less expensive operation than usual, since he wouldn't need anesthesia. Anybody who can NOT notice his lap is on fire would need no anesthesia for a simple vasectomy.A great laptop case mod idea for you - go to your local Sears and buy the most powerful shop vac they sell. Using some of that duct tape you bought for your Homeland Security kit, tape the vac hose to the cooling fan outlet on your laptops. Put the other end of the hose in the outflow port of the vac. Turn on the vac. This should keep your laptops cool enough to avoid accidental "scorching". An alternate possibility: fill your lap with ice cubes. Viola, water cooled laptops. How do you keep your lap dry with this method? Depends!He is Edgar Bergman. I am Charlie McCarthyGet off my knee, you dummy! Edited April 23, 2003 by Jeber Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LilBambi Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 LOL! Major laptop burn ... that's a new one! And through 'pants and underpants' ... LOL! Who'd a thunk it!Great find there Scot! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted April 23, 2003 Author Share Posted April 23, 2003 Yeah, you can laugh. You're a girl. Only a guy can truely appreciate the horror resulting from such a stupid act. And only a guy would commit such a stupid act. Any woman would have noticed immediately and taken the computer off their lap. Only a real guy would just keep typing and swearing and edit/undoing, blissfully unaware of his most valuable possessions being fried alive like a cross-country runner in the sahara. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teacher Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 Yeah, you can laugh. You're a girl. Only a guy can truely appreciate the horror resulting from such a stupid act. And only a guy would commit such a stupid act. Any woman would have noticed immediately and taken the computer off their lap. Only a real guy would just keep typing and swearing and edit/undoing, blissfully unaware of his most valuable possessions being fried alive like a cross-country runner in the sahara.But I thought guys were sensitive down there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbredmound Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 True, but not well connected to the brain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quint Posted April 23, 2003 Share Posted April 23, 2003 Unless the brain gets caught in the zipper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbredmound Posted April 24, 2003 Share Posted April 24, 2003 Quint gets the "nail hit on the head" award for this week!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted April 25, 2003 Author Share Posted April 25, 2003 OK, let's not forget this is a family coffee shop. Doesn't anyone need a refill?Anybody need advice on how to open up your hard drive and use Windex (owned, I believe, by Microsoft) to clean up those plates in there?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbredmound Posted April 25, 2003 Share Posted April 25, 2003 I just put them in the dishwasher...I don't have time to wash them by hand. Except, if I have to use the fire extinguisher, in which case I will hand dry them after I hose them off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted April 26, 2003 Author Share Posted April 26, 2003 you jest (i hope)Now that you've mentioned it...be sure to read the topic description of this thread. Anyone who tries any of the "advice" posted here is going to be posting a major "Help me, I've totally screwed up my computer" thread before too long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LilBambi Posted April 26, 2003 Share Posted April 26, 2003 you jest (i hope)Now that you've mentioned it...be sure to read the topic description of this thread. Anyone who tries any of the "advice" posted here is going to be posting a major "Help me, I've totally screwed up my computer" thread before too long. Jeber --Good point Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GolfProRM Posted April 26, 2003 Share Posted April 26, 2003 My brother spilled Kool-aid on my laptop, and now the keyboard doesn't work... and last night, it wouldn't boot! Is there anyhing I can do?I basically told him that he's got a giant paperweight now... any other suggestions (in case he comes back? ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted April 26, 2003 Author Share Posted April 26, 2003 any other suggestions (in case he comes back?1) Move into your own place.2) See how your parents react to the concept of you being an only child.3) Sell new fancy paperweight to Stryder to use in place of a shovel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GolfProRM Posted April 26, 2003 Share Posted April 26, 2003 Thanks Jeber... I'll be sure to remember that if the guy comes in again! :DP.S. Hey Stryder... I've got a nice 8lb paperweight for you! Lemme know if you're interested Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted April 27, 2003 Author Share Posted April 27, 2003 Naaahhhh, just smack your neighbor with it. Blame it on Bill Gates. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbredmound Posted April 27, 2003 Share Posted April 27, 2003 Maybe I can do a custom modification job on it and turn it into a swiss army laptop....comes with a slide out shovel, lime dispenser, grass seed spreader, etc.....and I can stay wirelessly connected to the forums while I am busy in the backyard.And if you put one of those "brush eaters" on the back, you can recycle offensive neighbors, etc, right back into the soil! Was that a stroke of brilliance, or just a stroke? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruno Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 Jeber: Quote from the newsletter:Anyway, this issue's Thread of the Week comes straight to you from Jeber. With his tongue firmly planted in cheek, he's offering "Really Bad Advice"Congrats with the thread of the week award !!! Bruno Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Atari Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 I could sure use some really bad advice for a problem I'm having. My computer can't see my printer. At least, that's what it keeps telling me. I've tried everything I can think of to get this problem resolved, but it sure is a tough one. I even turned my monitor so that it faces my printer, but it still can't see it. I don't know what to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Jeff Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 If you get a webcam and point it at the printer, the computer should then be able to see the printer. Hope this helps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbredmound Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 Have the printer pose naked...how could the the computer not notice it, then? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ComputerBob Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 ...My computer can't see my printer. At least, that's what it keeps telling me...Your local Best Buy sold you one of those new HP InvisiJet printers, designed for top secret printing. Your computer is not supposed to see it, nor are you. It prints with invisible ink, to prevent anyone from reading its printouts. It does a great job protecting government secrets from prying eyes, but unfortunately, it's not the best printer for home use. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LilBambi Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 LOL! For those really stubborn computers that just can't seem to find their printers, even after trying Big Jeff's, jbredmound's or ComputerBob's suggestions, you may want to try using the Sherlock Holmes Magnifing Glass Program, or was that the Hat, Pipe and Magnifying Glass program? Hmmm, can't remember, but I think it was developed by Baker Street Software.I can't remember the URL at the moment, but I am sure if you Google for it you will get some interesting leads, ah, I mean sites.According to some experts in the field, some computers just can't see their printers even with a webcam and other incentives as noted in earlier posts without this special program. It is as if they are in a London Fog with screams going on all around them and not being able to focus in on the printer.Some folks have said they had limited success with this Sherlock Holmes Program under this type of situation on a Windows PC. I think I remember reading that the best successes were on a MAC.But hey, it might be worth a try and easier than than trying to find a really talented brain surgeon for your computer, right? All the experts agree that computer brain surgery should really only be used as a last resort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
threenorns Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 maybe your computer just needs a little persuasion of the technical variety...have you tried suspending an 8lb sledge directly in front of the monitor overnight? if that doesn't work, try a jacob's ladder or one of those funky static balls from the science centre -- the back door is busted and can be popped open with a swift kick 8" below and 3" to the right of the door handle.or so i've heard. threenorns Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrNoLmts Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 Dear JeberI have read all your excellent advice, and I just KNOW that you can help me:I have this laptop computer that acts up every now and then. I'd be sitting here happily typing along, and then, suddenly, without warning, and for NO REASON whatsoever, the stupid &$X$%&!!! just freezes up! It's not like I did anything to it (like hit it or something), and I don't understand why it hates me so much. I've tried talking to it, both nicely and forcefully, but nothing helps. So, naturally, I start beating it, yelling words not suitable for your tender ears, hoping that it will make the laptop realize who's the boss and start working again. It never works Sometimes it will freeze up when I take it off my lap and set it on the table, too. Do you think it suffers from separation anxiety?I love my laptop, but I am getting tired of all this, and I'm afraid I may do something bad to it one of these days. Please help me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GolfProRM Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 Dear JeberI have read all your excellent advice, and I just KNOW that you can help me:I have this laptop computer that acts up every now and then. I'd be sitting here happily typing along, and then, suddenly, without warning, and for NO REASON whatsoever, the stupid &$X$%&!!! just freezes up! It's not like I did anything to it (like hit it or something), and I don't understand why it hates me so much. I've tried talking to it, both nicely and forcefully, but nothing helps. So, naturally, I start beating it, yelling words not suitable for your tender ears, hoping that it will make the laptop realize who's the boss and start working again. It never works Sometimes it will freeze up when I take it off my lap and set it on the table, too. Do you think it suffers from separation anxiety?I love my laptop, but I am getting tired of all this, and I'm afraid I may do something bad to it one of these days. Please help me.Are you using the Ice Cubes in the lap tip to prevent overheating problems? If so, this is probably the cause of all the freezing up. I'd suggest cutting down on the number of cubes in your lap and see if this helps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ComputerBob Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 ....the stupid &$X$%&!!! just freezes up! It's not like I did anything to it (like hit it or something), and I don't understand why it hates me so much.... I've tried talking to it, both nicely and forcefully, but nothing helps. So, naturally, I start beating it, yelling words not suitable for your tender ears........I love my laptop, but I am getting tired of all this, and I'm afraid I may do something bad to it one of these days....First of all, you've already done something bad to your computer. You've admitted that you've hit it and yelled obscenities at it. In some states, that makes you a felon. Of course your computer freezes -- it is freezing out of fear.You are a seething ball of rage. There is hope for your electronic family, but only if you and your computer both seek the professional psychological help that you so desperately need to help heal the deep emotional scars you've caused.Luckily for you, computers have short memories. Let's just hope that yours hasn't stored any of its traumas on its hard drive or CD-RW. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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