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WINDOWS 2006 Southern EDITIONYou'll find a full discription at the following link:

http://MySharedFiles.no-ip.org/funny/Windows2006SouthernEdition.html

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:thumbsup: thanks Bob ! Good ol' Waylon and Willie... good memories. Whisky ... I think I'm off to the cellar for tonight, I just got a great idea. B) I'll take the portable stereo with me and my old records...

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welcome, bob3160 (even though you've got a pretty venerable join date...) B)

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If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, [][][]Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Edited by bob3160

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cat01.gifA man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distancefrom his home and left the cat there.Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"cat02.gif

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The Old Pastor's

Last Request

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go.

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YOUR HOUSE as seen by Yourselfhh1.pngYour Lenderhh2.pngYour Buyerhh3.pngYour Appraiserhh4.pngYour Tax Assessorhh5.png

Edited by bob3160

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I FOUND IT.... Finally!We have all been up there but did not know where to get the paddle !paddlestorebr0.pngWe all knew it had to exist somewhere!

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hw.pngHusband: Oh, come on. Wife: Leave me alone!Husband: It won't take long.Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.Husband: I can't sleep without it.Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because I'm Hot. Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.Husband: You don't love me anymore.Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Husband: Please...come onWife: Alright, I'll do it. Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?Wife: I can't find it.Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!Wife: There! Are you satisfied?Husband: Oh, yes. Wife: Is it up far enough?Husband: Oh, that's good. Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

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A Halloween Joke: A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind himFASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clappingclappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on his heels, the terrified man runs.Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.Bumping and clapping toward him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything,but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,(hopefully you're ready for this!!!) The coffin stops !

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duck-2.gifA woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied."How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done anytesting on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duckfrom top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments laterwith a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately atthe bird From head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shookits head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, thisis most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produceda bill, which he handed to the woman.The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!! "The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,dog15.gifit's now $150.00."

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This is what we have to look forward to!! A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smellingslightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderlylooking lady, in her mid-eighties.The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes asip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"<><><><><><><>An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a setof hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctorsaid, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you canhear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my willthree times!"<><><><><><><>Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a benchunder a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 yearsold now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.How do you feel?"Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby.""Really!? Like a newborn baby!?""Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.<! >< ><><><><><>An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. Iwould recommend it very highly."The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."" Do you mean a rose?""Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"><><><><><>Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet --who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him tothe elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him."I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changingout of her hospital gown."<XXXXXXXXXX>A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, butthey might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair."Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?""Sure.""Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" sheasks. "No, I can remember it.""Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write itdown, so's not to forget it?"He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream withstrawberries.""I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write itdown?" she asks.Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.She stares at the plate for a moment."Where's my toast?"<XXXXXX>A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?""Yep!""Do I know her?""Nope!""This woman, is she good looking?""Not really.""Is she a good cook?""Naw, she can't cook too well.""Does she have lots of money?""Nope! Poor as a church mouse.""Well, then, is she good in bed?""I don't know.""Why in the world do you want to marry her then?""Because she can still drive!"<XXXXXX>A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.""Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?""Twelve thirty."<XXXXXX>Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with agorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're reallydoing great, aren't you?"Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and becheerful.'"The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;be careful.'"<XXXXXX>A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulledhimself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?""No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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The Meaning Of LifeOn the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by thedoor of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. Forthis, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only tenyears and I'll give you back the other ten?"So God agreed.On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-yearlife span."The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty longtime to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"And God agreed.On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into thefield with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calvesand give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give youa life span of sixty years."The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live forsixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"And God agreed again.On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marryand enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the tenthe dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God, "You asked for it."So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

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SUMMARY OF MY PAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTERI must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program!I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer can buy Gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or candy machines because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops or the Salvation Army.I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and UzbekistanI no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat, waiting to cause me instant death when it bites my Butt.Thank you; too, for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I might have dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician..By the way, a South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. Have a wonderful day... B) :ph34r: :)

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