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ibe98765

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My Employment History:My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but Igot canned...... I just couldn't concentrate.Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I justcouldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn'tsuited for it -mainly because it was a sew-sew job.Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that wastoo exhausting.Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a littlespice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it,I couldn't cut the mustard.My best job was being a Musician, but eventually I foundI wasn't noteworthy.I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn'thave any patience.Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I justdidn't fit in.I became a Professional Fisherman, but discoveredthat I couldn't live on my net income.I managed to get a good job working for a PoolMaintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they saidI wasn't fit for the job.After many years of trying to find steady work, Ifinally got a job as a Historian - until I realized therewas no future in it.My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had toquit because it was always the same old grind.SoooooooooooooI TRIED RETIREMENT, AND FOUND I'MPERFECT FOR THE JOB!

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The :) And GWBGeorge Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to **** where the devil is waiting for him "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over such was his fate in ****. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

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Actually, I rather enjoyed that ... but if you must venerate Politicians.......Here's a couple of jokes for more senstive eyes/ears:A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato,and salad," says the man."Same," says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer."Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, Iwould just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.""That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the talking ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."------------------------------------------What do you call a donkey with one leg?A wonky donkey.What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?A winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg and one eye?A dinky winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?A bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?A stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?A honky tonky stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky dinky winky wonky donkey.What do you call a miniature donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a bus?F**kin' talented!

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Guest LilBambi

who knew the beatles were computer experts?Singing at the office " YESTERDAY" Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday. "LET IT BE" When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, speaking words of wisdom: Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, oh, Write in C. LOGO's dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC's not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C. "IMAGINE" Imagine there's no Windows, It's easy if you try. No fatal errors or new bugs To kill your hard drives. Imagine Mr. Bill Gates Leaving us in peace! Imagine never ending hard disks, It isn't hard to do. Nothing to del or wipe off And no floppy too Imagine Mr. Bill Gates Sharing all his money. You may say I'm a hacker, But I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us And your games will fit in RAM Imagine 1-Giga RAM I wonder if you can. No need for left-shifts or setups And no booting again and again. Imagine all the systems Working all life-time! You may say I'm a hacker, But I'm not the only one. Maybe someday I'll be a cracker And then I'll make Windows run.* received in email from a Firesign Theatre fan and Linux user ... can you tell? :whistling:EDIT: Last one may not really very funny because of the cracker thing, but left it in because it was one of the ones in the email. The FST fan/Linux user was just passing it along...not the originator. B)

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Guest LilBambi

Whoa! Unless (1) the place smelled funky to begin with or, (2) they kept that place chilled to refrigerator temps -- wouldn't they have notice there was something dead by then? B)

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Whoa! Unless (1) the place smelled funky to begin with or, (2) they kept that place chilled to refrigerator temps -- wouldn't they have notice there was something dead by then? B)
Well it is from the New York Times. :w00t: They have ben known to make up stories in the past. B)
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The Birds and the Bees...The Modern Version:============================================A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find outanyway!"You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set upa date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked intoa secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreedto do a download from my hard drive.As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us hadused a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, ninemonths later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:"You've Got Male"

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2%milkA carton of eggsA quart of orange juiceA head of romaine lettuce2 lb. can of coffeeAnd a 1lb, package of baconAs she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single".The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said," Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that"?The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Edited by Plukaduk
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  • 2 months later...

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look."That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration."Thanks" the girl says.The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles."Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster "The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

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  • 5 months later...

Bloke gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a stunning blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move."You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?""Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?""OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"The bloke is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea.""So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"__________________________________A Blonde that is not so dumb!A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice- Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill With three legs, and comes down with four?"The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and he Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500 The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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