epp_b Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rbdietz Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 Johnnie Cochran's widow tells her therapist, "It was so sudden. I can hardly believe he's gone. I'm finding it difficult making the funeral arrangements."And the therapist says, "If he does not stir, you must inter." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martini Lover Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 Bread: The Half-Baked Truth Revealed More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative: 99.9 percent of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread 99.7 percent of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident 93.1 percent of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 80 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.Newborn babies can choke on bread.Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:No sale of bread to minors.A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LilBambi Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 don't you love how data can be 'sliced' any way you want it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkSerge Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 Bread sounds as dangerous as dihydrogen monoxide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoardFlak Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 (edited) Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged for suggestions.NASA responded with a one line memo... "Defrost the chicken". <{POST_SNAPBACK}> The MythBusters TV show actually tested this one...twice. The first time, they didn't think there was a difference, but they re-thought it and did it again, and found that it really did make a difference if the bird was defrosted.If the whole tale were real, though, you'd have to wonder how NASA knew to tell them that.... Edited April 1, 2005 by BoardFlak Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 Bread: The Half-Baked Truth Revealed More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users...I hate politics Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plukaduk Posted April 1, 2005 Share Posted April 1, 2005 (edited) The MythBusters TV show actually tested this one...twice. The first time, they didn't think there was a difference, but they re-thought it and did it again, and found that it really did make a difference if the bird was defrosted.If the whole tale were real, though, you'd have to wonder how NASA knew to tell them that....<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Myth Busted... Edited April 1, 2005 by Plukaduk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plukaduk Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.You know, he says, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk.The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,What would you like to discuss?Oh, I don't know, says the guy. How about nuclear power?OK, says the blonde. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, I haven't the slightest idea.So tell me, says the blonde, How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoardFlak Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 At the Baseball Game-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A family moved to a new town because the father's job got transferred. After a couple of weeks had gone by, the father took his son to a local baseball game. About the middle of the second inning, a vendor came up through the stands calling, "Pop...corn...pop...corn..." The father motioned him over, and said "We'll have two popcorns, please." The vendor replied "I'm sorry, sir, I ain't got no popcorn. I got this here sody pop, and this fresh-roasted, buttered and salted corn on the cob. That's what I've got." The father was a bit embarrassed, so he bought two soda pops and two ears of corn. After the vendor had moved off, he turned to his son "You don't mind, do you?" "No, Dad," came the reply, "I was thirsty, and the corn's good too. But if another guy comes around yelling 'Pea...nuts...pea...nuts...' you'd better find out what he's selling first!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebone Posted May 2, 2005 Share Posted May 2, 2005 (edited) At the Baseball Game--------------------------------------------------------------------------------But if another guy comes around yelling 'Pea...nuts...pea...nuts...' you'd better find out what he's selling first!"<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Well, continuing in that vein:What's the difference between the Tango and pea soup?You can learn to Tango. Edited May 2, 2005 by littlebone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkSerge Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Fun fact: It is impossible to lick your elbow.Corporate Policy -Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana.Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.More fun facts:A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoardFlak Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 The duck's quack not echoing was another one Mythbusters took on, but I forget what the conclusion was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Yeah! I'm normal! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ross549 Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 The duck's quack not echoing was another one Mythbusters took on, but I forget what the conclusion was.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> They found that a duck's quack DOES echo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkSerge Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 it is indeed false, although it's quite interesting to read up on how these myths get started Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoardFlak Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Tourist: So, you're saying that this family offended the goddess Pele, and she made the volcano erupt and sent lava to destroy their house? Hawaiian Investigator: That's right. It was a clear case of aggravated basalt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted May 5, 2005 Share Posted May 5, 2005 Gotta love those groaners! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raker Posted May 7, 2005 Share Posted May 7, 2005 Gotta love the Aussie's An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge,burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big,burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says. The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank ******* sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Aussie says to the bartender,"When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f#*kin' crowbar from Bunnings." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hkspike Posted May 7, 2005 Share Posted May 7, 2005 A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes many bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted May 7, 2005 Share Posted May 7, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plukaduk Posted May 7, 2005 Share Posted May 7, 2005 Good ones Raker and hkspike... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoardFlak Posted May 8, 2005 Share Posted May 8, 2005 Some of these were in a post on the first page, but this is an expanded listing:Things you wish you could say at work and Useful Insults. 1. Ahhh...I see the foul-up fairy has visited us again. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it. 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. No, my powers can only be used for good. 24. You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication. 25. Who, me? I just wander from room to room. 26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? 27. Do I look like a people person? 28. This isn't an office. It's **** with fluorescent lighting. 29. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 31. You! Off my planet! 32. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 34. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 35. Allow me to introduce my selves. 36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 42. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number one? 44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 46. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done. 47. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks. 49. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 51. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. 52. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 53. Well, aren't we just a ray of sunshine? 54. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 55. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 57. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control. 58. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. 59. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 60. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 61. Aw, did I step on your poor itty-bitty ego? 62. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 63. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. 64. Earth is full, Go home. 65. It'll be ready Thursday - I just don't know which Thursday. 66. I have a patience deficiency and you're not adding to my supply. 67. No idea is too poorly thought out to become policy around here. 68. He's as sharp as a beach ball. 69. Stupidity doesn't count as a handicap, park elsewhere. 70. I would engage in a battle of wits with you, but I refuse to duel with an unarmed person. 71. The proctologist called. They found your head. 72. His elevator won't go to the top. 73. She's a few fries short of a Happy Meal. 74. People would follow him, but only out of morbid curiosity. 75. Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain. 76. If ignorance is bliss you must be enraptured. 77. Everyone has a photographic memory, you just don't have film. 78. You couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in clue musk and did the clue mating dance. 79. Just because your head is pointed, that doesn't mean you're sharp. 80. May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful. 81. If my dog looked as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk around backwards. 82. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, you're abusing the privilege. 83. All foam, no beer. 84. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change. 85. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead. 86. People like you should not be allowed to breed. 87. What part of "no" escapes you? 88. There is a dimension where you make sense, but I don't live there. 89. The Twilight Zone has nothing on this place. 90. Every time I walk in here, I expect to see Rod Serling doing an intro. 91. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. 92. He's not smart enough to figure out the answer, but he's just dumb enough to ask the question. 93. Just because it is technically possible, does not make it operationally desirable. 94. Excuse me, but a vision without resources is better known as a hallucination. 95. I have been told to develop a list of specific unknown problems that we may encounter before we encounter them. 96. Nothing can be made foolproof, fools are too ingenious. The very best you can hope for is fool-resistant. 97. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 98. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 99. I know the inmates are running the asylum, but do we have to advertise?100. You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps. 101. I need a vacation day: this place is starting to make sense.102. If you can throw enough overboard, fast enough, even the most rapidly sinking ship will seem to right itself and float. That doesn't mean it isn't still sinking. 103. He has such poor memory he mistakes it for a clear conscience.104. Some things are absolute: infinity times zero is still zero, and an idiot with experience is still an idiot. 105. He'd start an argument with his own reflection.106. I have just about enough patience left to deal with one more screaming fathead today, and you're second in line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plukaduk Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Two engineering students were walking around uni when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one **** of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martini Lover Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 The Horseback Riding Blonde A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip.She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. To her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkSerge Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 A physics teacher way back in high school used to pass this out to his classes.Of Cats, Toast, and AntigravityIf you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread butter side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splatter on the ground?Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself, you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat must not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to solve this paradox. Therefore, it simply does not fall.That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.Most of the civilized species of the universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard my most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred kitties.The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course, the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing, several tons of red-hot starship and ticked off aliens crash on top of them.And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device.One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are held in stasis?I offer a modest proposal:We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the laundromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work well in deep gravity well, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the antigravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 Great Physics nerd joke! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plukaduk Posted May 21, 2005 Share Posted May 21, 2005 Good one mate... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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