Jokes

[georgeg4]

I am not sure if this is the right place for this one it may belong in the politics forum . if so maybe one of the moderators will be kind enough to move it for me .

[epp_b]

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

:"> :'(

[georgeg4]

epp_b Posted on Nov 5 2004, 07:25 PM QUOTE"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."ohmy.gif blink.gif crying.gif ohmy.gif wacko.gif

please dont tell me you are a blonde epp_b

[epp_b]

please dont tell me you are a blonde epp_b                 

NO

[Plukaduk]

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and the pair begin trading sea-stories. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.""Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

Edited November 11, 2004 by Arena2045

[Guest Paracelsus]

:'( Pluka!!

[georgeg4]

this link is open to all except epp_bviagraepp_b the above link is to my private page and if you go there and are offended then it is at your own risk .!!!!

[Guest Paracelsus]

Naughty, Naughty... George (I see Pluka's post was edited. He should have known better than to tell a joke about Parrots)

[Plukaduk]

(I see Pluka's post was edited.  He should have known better than to tell a joke about Parrots) 

Well I better not post the one about Jesus, an American, a Englishman and a Aussie drinking in a pub then... :w00t:This has been tested by the local Catholic priest, and he had a good chuckle...As the last two Popes have been named John Paul, and the time comes for the Cardinals to elect a new Pope, can they name him John Paul George Ringo... :">

[epp_b]

There's nothing wrong with alcohol in and of itself until one becomes intoxicated to the point of drunkenness.

[georgeg4]

i

Naughty, Naughty... George harhar.gif

I know paracelsus but there is one type of person i do not like and that is a hypocrite .i wont mention any names but if a story is offensive it remains offensive whether it was published in the papers or not . and if the term " private parts " is offensive then " PEE " whisch is that foul liquid that emanates from those private parts should be equally offensive . and for the record the proper word is urine :'(

[Guest Paracelsus]

You are too much, George!! :happyroll:We must have been Brothers in a previous life.

[georgeg4]

THANK YOU

[Plukaduk]

Abort, Retry, IgnoreOnce upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:Having reached the bottom line,I took a floppy from the drawer.Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE commandBut got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.Carefully, I weighed my options.These three seemed to be the top ones.Clearly, I must now adopt one -Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".With my fingers pale and trembling,Slowly toward the keyboard bending,Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,Praying for some guaranteeFinally I pressed a key --But on the screen what did I see?Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".I tried to catch the chips off guard --I pressed again, but twice as hard.Luck was just not in the cards,I saw what I had seen before.Now I typed in desperation,Trying random combinations.Still there came the incantation -Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.And then I saw an awful sight,A bold and blinding flash of light,A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.The PC screen collapsed and died,"Oh no -- my database", I cried.I thought I heard a voice reply,"You'll see your data-- Nevermore!"To this day I do not knowThe place to which our data goesPerhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.But as for productivity - well,I fear it has gone straight to ****.And that's the tale I have to tell -Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". Shamelessly stolen from somewhere years ago...

[Guest Paracelsus]

:happyroll:TOO MUCH, Pluka!!!I think EAP would have appreciated "The Horror".

[georgeg4]

PLUKA

[NRD]

HOW YOU KNOW IF MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOU10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.6. The unmistakable aromas of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in both ears.And The # 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

[epp_b]

HOW YOU KNOW IF MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOU...

Very funny! ...but I didn't get the #1 reason...

[Guest Paracelsus]

Not sure about that one either...But a hot glue gun comes in handy when you need to make a quick repair or for attaching things to the display for your "Talk of the Town" Holiday Buffet

[georgeg4]

..but I didn't get the #1 reason... hmm.gif

Not sure about that one either...But a hot glue gun comes in handy when you need to make a quick repair or for attaching things to the display for your "Talk of the Town" Holiday Buffet wink.

i would think that martha would be pointing a hot glue gun at your temple with the intention of putting a good thing there and i dont think i want to find out exactly what that is :PBTW very funny NRD

[Plukaduk]

Computer error messages reworked in haiku format First snow, then silence.This thousand dollar screenDies so beautifully. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire;The network is down.The Web site you seekCannot be locatedBut endless others exist.Chaos reigns within.Reflect, repent and reboot.Order shall return.Aborted effort:Close all that you have.You ask far too much.With searching comes lossAnd the presence of absence;"My Novel" not found.A file that big?It might be very useful.But now it is gone.The Tao that is seenIs not the true Tao untilYou bring fresh toner.Windows ME crashed.I am the Blue Screen of Death.No one hears your screams.A crash reducesYour expensive computerTo a simple stone.Yesterday it worked.Today it is not working.Windows is like that.Three things are certain:Death, taxes and lost dataGuess which has occurred.You step in the stream,But the water has moved on.This page is not here.Out of memory.We wish to hold the whole sky,But we never will.Having been erased,The document you're seekingMust now be retyped.Rather than a beep,Or a rude error message,These words: file not found.Serious error. AllShortcuts have disappeared.Screen. Mind. Both are blank. I ate your Web page.Forgive me; it was tastyAnd tart on my tongueForces in balance: Yin and Yang, your program has Mistakes up the latter :w00t:Edit: These also were liberated...

[teacher]

Well done. I like it.

[Plukaduk]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of thebird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued: "May I ask what the turkey did?

[epp_b]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift...

Hee hee hee

[georgeg4]

That was a riot plukaduk but it remindeme of a true story that happened to me years ago .i was working as a towtruck driver and a youngster came in and needed a tow . on the way to his car he explained to me that there was a body in the back of his station wagon since he was a funeral directors son and was picking it up to take home . i said no problem and went ahead and hooked up his car . as we were just about to leave this other youngfellow stopped me and asked for a hot shot . well to me this was found money and i agreed since he was just a block away . well after getting him started i told him the fee was $6.00 ( i told you this was awhile ago ) well he said that he didnt think he should pay because i was already earning money with the car on the hook . and beligerently asked me what i would do if he refused to pay . and i just told him to look in the back of the station wagon on the hook . as he did i said thats what happened to the last guy that didnt pay me well needless to say he paid up and the funeral directors son almost had a fit trying to hold back his laughter .

[georgeg4]

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finallyfound inner peace.Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all thethings you've started."So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn'tfinished, so, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottleof Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle ofKahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valiumprescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box ofchocolates.You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

[ross549]

I walked into the rest stop bathroom and had barely sat down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"Now, I'm not the type to start a conversation in restrooms, at a rest stop no less. But I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine."And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"What kind of question is that?! I'm thinking this is too bizarre, so I say, "Oh, I'm like you, just traveling."At this point I'm just trying to get out of there as fast as I can when I hear another question: "Can I come over to your place for awhile?"Okay, this question is just plain wacky, but I figured I should be polite, answer him, and end the conversation. So I say, "Well, I have company, so today is a bad day for me."Then...I hear the guy say nervously: "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering my questions. Bye!"

[epp_b]

A rendition of an oldie, but a goodie A Jew, Hindu, and a LawyerA Jew, Hindu, and a lawyer are walking together late at night and need to stop to sleep. So they decide to crash at a farmer's house. But the farmer says that he only has two beds available, so one of them will need sleep in the barn. So the Jew says, "My people wandered for decades, I think I can stand one night in a barn.". However, 5 minutes later, the farmer hears a knock at the door. As he opens it the jew is at the door and says, "I'm sorry, there is a pig in the barn. I cannot sleep along side an unclean animal.". The Hindu, having overheard this, jumps out of bed and says, "I come from a third-world country, I have no problem sleeping in the barn". However, 5 minutes later, the Hindu knocks on the door, and says to the farmer "I'm sorry, there is a cow in there, and I cannot sleep where there is a sacred animal.". So, without any choice, the Lawyer grumbles as he mutters, "I'll sleep in the barn.". However, 5 minutes later, there is a knock at the door. So the farmer opens the door, and there he sees the cow and the pig.

[epp_b]

I walked into the rest stop bathroom and had barely sat down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying,  "Hi, how are you?".....

:lol:

[Plukaduk]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged for suggestions.NASA responded with a one line memo... "Defrost the chicken".