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aUUUUGA, AUUUGA, MAN YOU BATTLE STATIONS


jbredmound

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jbredmound

I can't take it anymore...you gotta send me for R&R.First, the security updates for IE 6.0, plus IE 5.5-SP 435,292.2.Then, the Polygraph mm.2.6257 worm, which expires sometime this month."The 13 Days of Glory at the Siege of Alamo....""She can't take much more Captain..she's goin to break up!""Shields up, Mr sulu...open a hailing frequency...alien software packet, this is the jbredmound...announce your intentions.""Captain, the Norton system apparently isn't updated...the intruder is probing us"."Condition Red...launch live update...launch adaware scanners...increase Zone Alarm security to maximum"."Captain, they are targeting our registry"."I want full reverse, maximum impulse...Scotty, I need more power to the Norton and Zone Alarm systems"."If I do that, Captain, I can't promise that you can process those digital images"."For God's sake Jim, I'm a physician, not a photographer...throw the camera overboard and save the crew! Don't make me file a fitness-for-duty report...""Bones...Bones..it's just a worm...the communications vulnerability can be patched...why don't you go to sickbay and get ready to treat the wounded from all this Spam we're taking?'"Alright, Jim, I see your point...but don't lose sight of your ship...don't sacrifice the whole OS for a little bit of glory!""Captain, a porno site is hailing us...shoulkd we respond?"""Ohura, put it on viewer...Spock?""Huh? Oh, yes, Captain?""Chekov, get us out of here...Warp Factor 9!""Aye, aye, sir!"

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"Captain, a porno site is hailing us...shoulkd we respond?"""Ohura, put it on viewer.
Oh great...now the whole crew will discover Kirk's secret obsession with naked Klingons! :blink:
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Guest ThunderRiver

Mm.. hehe interesting..*captain! a prono pop-up, pop-under, ads.. are attacking us!*-----Seconds later.....-----------Internet Explorer ship sinks deep into the ocean..-----*No worry son! Hail Firebird will protect us!* :blink:

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redmaledeer

Very good. My compliments to the Captain ...... errr, Writer.You noticed the IE buffer overrun of the week yesterday?-- Redmaledeer

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Guest LilBambi

Being a Star Trek fan and having watched all the episodes many times ... I loved that disertation JB!Illogical, illogical, Norman coordinate!

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Thought you all might get a kick out of this, then. I found it on another security related forum I frequent.Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek10. Noisy doors.You can't walk three feet in a starship without some doorwhooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automaticsliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!"every time a person walked through them, about once a month someguy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. SorryScotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn tomaster WD- 409. The Federation.This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government thatruns everything, and that has abolished money. A veritableplanetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you'rerocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how theguy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's animportant fact: Most people, you don't want to see them inspandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If moneyhadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.8. Reversing the Polarity.For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity ofeverything! It might work once in a while, but usually it justscrews things up. I have it on good authority that thetechnicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprisecomes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go throughthe whole ****** ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toiletin Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordithought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's ******polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn'tjust spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.7. Seatbelts.Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that thefirst time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to flyover the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someonewould say, "You know, we might think of inventing somefurutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening."So of course, they did make something like that for the secondEnterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), butwhat was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over yourthighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look!The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"6. No fuses.Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the variousstations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throwtheir seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we couldget Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we couldget him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store andpick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop atan intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridgepersonnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuselessexploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sitdown.5. Rule by committee.Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show onTV last year:Star Trek:Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this!And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought Ishould say something."Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a bigKlingon warrior chubby."Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on themfirst."Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom andlook pensive."Firefly:Captain: "Let's shoot them."Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's thechain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"4. A Star Trek quiz:Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet.Which one isn't coming back?3. Technobabble.The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved theproblem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, androuting the power through my satellite dish. The resultingsubspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, whichcreated a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons inthe engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. Asa happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.2. The Holodeck.I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that peoplewould use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-westsaloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be usedfor. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise wouldbe: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.1. The Prime Directive.How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was goingto blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus?And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would bedoing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikeswearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! allday. It would be ****. At least until the Kaboom. TheEarth-shattering Kaboom.

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