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[bob3160]

This is what we have to look forward to!!            A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smellingslightly  of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image,walks into an  upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderlylooking lady, in  her mid-eighties.The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes asip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"<><><><><><><>An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a setof hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctorsaid, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you canhear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my willthree times!"<><><><><><><>Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a benchunder  a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 yearsold now and  I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.How do you  feel?"Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby.""Really!? Like a newborn baby!?""Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.<! >< ><><><><><>An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. Iwould recommend it very highly."The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."" Do you mean a rose?""Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"><><><><><>Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet --who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him tothe  elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him."I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changingout  of her hospital gown."<XXXXXXXXXX>A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, butthey might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair."Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?""Sure.""Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" sheasks. "No, I can remember it.""Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write itdown, so's not to forget it?"He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream withstrawberries.""I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write itdown?" she asks.Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.She stares at the plate for a moment."Where's my toast?"<XXXXXX>A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?""Yep!""Do I know her?""Nope!""This woman, is she good looking?""Not really.""Is she a good cook?""Naw, she can't cook too well.""Does she have lots of money?""Nope! Poor as a church mouse.""Well, then, is she good in bed?""I don't know.""Why in the world do you want to marry her then?""Because she can still drive!"<XXXXXX>A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.""Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?""Twelve thirty."<XXXXXX>Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with agorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're reallydoing great, aren't you?"Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and becheerful.'"The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;be  careful.'"<XXXXXX>A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulledhimself  slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?""No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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Look AlikesClick on the image to enlarge it.

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The Meaning Of LifeOn the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by thedoor of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. Forthis, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only tenyears and I'll give you back the other ten?"So God agreed.On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-yearlife span."The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty longtime to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"And God agreed.On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into thefield with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calvesand give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give youa life span of sixty years."The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live forsixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"And God agreed again.On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marryand enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the tenthe dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God, "You asked for it."So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

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SUMMARY  OF MY PAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTERI must send my  thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes  because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs  sealing.Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the  same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick  girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th  time.I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I  receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for  participating in their special e-mail program!I no longer worry about my  soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena  has granted my every wish.I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are  actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.I no longer use  cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot  day.Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I  forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five  minutes.Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it  can remove toilet stains.I no longer can buy Gasoline without taking a  man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when  I'm pumping gas.I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people  who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their  cans.I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes  cancer.And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the  microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for  life.I no longer check the coin return on pay phones or candy machines  because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.I no longer  go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob  me.I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are  actually Al Qaeda in disguise.I no longer shop at Target since they are  French and don't support our troops or the Salvation Army.I no longer  answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will  get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and UzbekistanI no longer have  any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair  from Nike.I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus  since I now have their recipe.Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet  but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat, waiting  to cause me instant death when it bites my Butt.Thank you; too, for all  the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now  because he's told us how to fix everything.And thanks to your great  advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I might have dropped in the parking lot  because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car  to grab my leg.Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer  drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!If you  don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a  large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and  the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy  hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next  door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's  beautician..By the way, a South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has  discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their  e-mail with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's  too late. Have a wonderful day...     

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Click on this link to bring back the memories.....http://objflicks.com/CarsWeDrove.htmFlash required and High speed internet access recommended.

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SO WHO IS DOING All THE WORK? The population of the USA is 300 million 160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 15 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden. Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice !!

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NEW WORDS FOR 2008  : Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!! BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard . SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake). WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.   CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

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A Woman's PoemHe didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake, He said my biscuits were too hard Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue. Then I turned around and smacked him in the head... Like his mother used to do.

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NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.  He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction."Al-gebra is a problem for us," the AG said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.""They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y', and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator, the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President

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WeirdCount them and wait!Count them again after the picture has changed . . .This will drive you crazy!

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I was feeling a little nosey, so I thought I would look in on you and see if you are sitting at your computer...Yup, there you are! Unrated NSFW SFW Voted NSFWVoted SFW

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Boycott-- this will work!!Help me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch since they are sellouts to a foreigncountry.Drop your beer off at my house & I will dispose of it. We'll teach those sob's Unrated NSFW SFW Voted NSFWVoted SFW

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Sarah Palin’s White Househttp://bitsandpieces...ns-white-house/You can interact with herhttp://president-pal...rabbitcult.com/Don't pick up the red phone!