254 replies to this topic

[bob3160]

WINDOWS 2006 Southern EDITIONYou'll find a full discription at the following link:

http://MySharedFiles.no-ip.org/funny/Windows2006SouthernEdition.html

[striker]

thanks Bob ! Good ol' Waylon and Willie... good memories. Whisky ... I think I'm off to the cellar for tonight, I just got a great idea.   I'll take the portable stereo with me and my old records...

[Temmu]

welcome, bob3160 (even though you've got a pretty venerable join date...)  

[bob3160]

If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, [][][]Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Edited by bob3160, 04 March 2006 - 12:10 PM.

[bob3160]

[LilBambi]

[Rons]

Funny.

[Gary]

Click to play

[Gary]

Truncated to 3 minutes.

[bob3160]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distancefrom his home and left the cat there.Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

[bob3160]

The Old Pastor's

Last Request

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go.

[bob3160]

[bob3160]

YOUR HOUSE as seen by YourselfYour LenderYour BuyerYour AppraiserYour Tax Assessor

Edited by bob3160, 18 June 2006 - 04:22 PM.

[Temmu]

  yup!

[bob3160]

[bob3160]

I FOUND IT.... Finally!We have all been up there but did not know where to get the paddle !We all knew it had to exist somewhere!

[Temmu]

[bob3160]

[bob3160]

Husband: Oh, come on. Wife: Leave me alone!Husband: It won't take long.Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.Husband: I can't sleep without it.Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because I'm Hot. Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.Husband: You don't love me anymore.Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Husband: Please...come onWife: Alright, I'll do it. Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?Wife: I can't find it.Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!Wife: There! Are you satisfied?Husband: Oh, yes. Wife: Is it up far enough?Husband: Oh, that's good. Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

[bob3160]

A Halloween Joke: A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind himFASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clappingclappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on his heels, the terrified man runs.Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.Bumping and clapping toward him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything,but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)      The coffin stops !

[bob3160]

[bob3160]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.  As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied."How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done anytesting on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duckfrom top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments laterwith a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately atthe bird From head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shookits head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, thisis most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produceda bill, which he handed to the woman.The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!! "The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan,it's now $150.00."

[bob3160]

[striker]

    nice, good one Bob !

[bob3160]