epp_b Posted January 10, 2004 Share Posted January 10, 2004 Here's one (I made it up myself )Q: What could you be charged with for hiding leftover sweet & sour sauce?A: Posession of a congealed weapon Anyone got any other groaners? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Paracelsus Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Well...The fighting in the Persian Gulf used to make me worry that our troops were caught... between Iraq and a hard Place. I also feared that our troops there might get...Saddamized. But they finally caught ol' Hussinsane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Once upon a time there was an island where it was said no aquatic animal had ever died.A research scientist was sent to look into this.He decided to make porpoises the subject of his study, since there was a small bay where they came to be fed by the locals and this made it easy to identify them and determine if, indeed, they lived forever.The locals advised him that the porpoises' favorite food was myna bird, of which there were many in the island interior, so one day he set off with a large bag to collect some myna birds to feed the porpoises.After collecting a bag full of birds, he started to follow the trail back to the bay. But in the middle of the trail, only a mile from his destination, sat a huge male lion, calm and serene. Seeing no way around the beast, the scientist hikes the bag over his shoulder and starts running toward the lion...making a leap over him at the last minute. As shaken scientist walks back to the beach, he's hailed by the local policeman. "I'm going to have to arrest you", says the cop. "For what?", shouts the frustrated scientist."Obviously", states the officer, "for transporting mynas over stately lions for immortal porpoises". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LilBambi Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 LOL! Oh, what groaners! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted January 11, 2004 Author Share Posted January 11, 2004 Jeber...that one is so bad, it's good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
siebkens Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Pythagorean theorum - twisted!Once upon a time, there were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides. This was my favorite joke for years, but fortunately I have mostly gotten over that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Has anyone else ever been telling one of these long, involved jokes, gotten a ways into it, flashed ahead in your mind to the punchline, and started cracking yourself up so bad you can't finish the joke? Or is that just me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LilBambi Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Gotta love those groaners that really stick with you! Fun too!Not just you Jeber Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
siebkens Posted January 11, 2004 Share Posted January 11, 2004 Has anyone else ever been telling one of these long, involved jokes, gotten a ways into it, flashed ahead in your mind to the punchline, and started cracking yourself up so bad you can't finish the joke? Or is that just me? I'm so terrible at remembering & telling jokes - that's what I do when I can't remember the punch line. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 Now this is depressing (from actual Google search); DepressionDepression.com is currently unavailable. Please check back soon.www.depression.com/ - 2k - Jan 9, 2004 - Cached - Similar pages Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoardFlak Posted January 12, 2004 Share Posted January 12, 2004 I heard the porpoises joke so long ago I don't really want to think about how long it was, but the version I heard was a staid lion.If we're gonna start telling ones we made up....A family moved, one summer, from the big city into a smaller, more rural town. A little over a week later, while they were still getting used to the local ways and the local accents, the father decided to take his son to a minor league baseball game. They were sitting in the bleachers, enjoying the game, when a vendor came up the aisle calling "Pop...corn...pop...corn..." The father motioned the man over, and asked for two boxes of popcorn."I'm sorry, mister," the vendor replied, "but I don't have popcorn. I have this here cold soda pop and this hot, buttered corn on the cob on a stick."The father felt bad about calling the guy over (and was a bit embarrassed, too), so he bought two of each. After the man left, the father turned to his son and asked if he minded. "No Dad," came the reply, "I was thirsty and the corn's good too; but if someone comes by yelling 'Pea...nuts...pea...nuts...well, you just better find out what he's really got first!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Chan was the village craftsman, making small statues out of teak to sell to the tourists. One morning he entered his shop to find the side window open, and several statues missing. On the ground outside the window were the footprints of a small child. This was confusing.With cooperation from the village police, he dug a large pit outside the window and covered it with straw, intending to trap the thief should he return.The next night, he remained awake, and in the early morning hours he heard the window open, then a large crash and thud. Alerting the local policeman, they went to look in the pit. They were amazed at what they saw. It was a black bear, with human looking feet, clutching several statues.Exclaimed the craftsman, "Ah, boy-foot bear with teaks of Chan!" Of course my jokes are old...I'm old. And I have no idea who originated them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted January 13, 2004 Author Share Posted January 13, 2004 Jeber, I don't get it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LilBambi Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Barefoot Boy with Cheeks of Tan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Thanks, Fran. Sorry for the obscure reference, epp_b. I guess you need to be ancient to recall the original. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guitar Man Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 siebkens Posted on Jan 10 2004, 10:48 PM-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pythagorean theorum - twisted!Excellent Sieb ! I just sent this to a close friend who is a teacher at the high school level ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LilBambi Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 Thanks, Fran. Sorry for the obscure reference, epp_b. I guess you need to be ancient to recall the original.Huh? What's that Jeber? LOL!Hand me that Gramophone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted January 13, 2004 Author Share Posted January 13, 2004 Thanks, Fran. Sorry for the obscure reference, epp_b. I guess you need to be ancient to recall the original.Oh, uh...I guess 17 doesn't count as ancient Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
siebkens Posted January 13, 2004 Share Posted January 13, 2004 siebkens Posted on Jan 10 2004, 10:48 PM-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pythagorean theorum - twisted!Excellent Sieb ! I just sent this to a close friend who is a teacher at the high school level ! Wow! I found someone who likes my joke - I gave up telling it when people just looked at me blankly. I think they were waiting for the funny part! epp_b Oh, uh...I guess 17 doesn't count as ancientOnly when it's a 12-year old making that judgement! ------------------------the ancient Sieb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeber Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Hand me that GramophoneIsn't that what my dad's mom used to pick up when we called her on the holidays? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trigggl Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 This is more of a personal experience than a joke, but here goes:I was looking in my brothers fridge because I was hungry and wanted something to eat. I think I decided to cook something on a skillet and was looking for something to prevent food sticking to the pan. I noticed a margarine container in the back of the fridge and decided to use that. When I opened the container to spoon some out I realized that it was full of leftovers instead of the original contents. Then I said, "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!"I should get a lot of groans from that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corrine Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 I should get a lot of groans from that one. You did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks. I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished. I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that exes are like fungus; they keep coming back. I've learned that age is a very high price to pay for maturity. I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it. I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the butt are permanent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ross549 Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.Perfect! Addd it to my signature! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teacher Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 AdamSomehow that new line in your signature seems to fit! w00t: --Julia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guitar Man Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Sipowicz !Looks like you're gonna get your post picked apart like a bunch of vultures snacking on a meal ! :w00t:There are some "ripe" ones in there for sure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ross549 Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 AdamSomehow that new line in your signature seems to fit! w00t: --Julia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave PCPitstop Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Okay, here's my dad's favorite joke:A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a very strange problem. Every time I pass gas it sounds like 'honda' and I'm very embarrassed." The doctor sends him immediately to a dentist, who finds a badly infected and abscessed tooth. Sure enough, this cures his problem with flatulence as well. So he calls the doctor and asks how that could have possibly been the cause. The doctor says,"I learned long ago that abscess makes the fart go 'honda'!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonicDragon Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.Totally. I think we all need to be a little insane just to make it through the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
epp_b Posted January 17, 2004 Author Share Posted January 17, 2004 Okay, here's my dad's favorite joke:A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a very strange problem. Every time I pass gas it sounds like 'honda' and I'm very embarrassed." The doctor sends him immediately to a dentist, who finds a badly infected and abscessed tooth. Sure enough, this cures his problem with flatulence as well. So he calls the doctor and asks how that could have possibly been the cause. The doctor says,"I learned long ago that abscess makes the fart go 'honda'!"OK, am I too young to get this one too?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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