Funnies

[havnblast]

Hello, help desk.Yes, this is Mr. Gerber in administration. I received the memo about this new requirement to shut down our computers at night.That's correct. Do you know how to properly shut down your computer?Of course I do. I'm not an idiot. But I don't think this is a very good idea. I'll miss a lot of important email.I'm not sure I understand the problem.I get a lot of email that's sent overnight and I'll miss all of that if the computer isn't left on.

[havnblast]

Gateway color codes their connectors as well as their ports. Yet:Customer: "I'm looking at the back of the system, and I don't know where to plug in the mouse. There are two holes that are the same size as the mouse."Tech Support: "Ok, what color is the tip of the mouse plug?"Customer: "Orange."Tech Support: "Do you see the orange 'hole' on the back of the computer?"Customer: "Yes."Tech Support: "That is where the mouse plugs into."Customer: "Oh. How about the keyboard?"Tech Support: "What color is the plug on the keyboard?"Customer: "Purple."Tech Support: "And do you see the purple 'hole' on the back of the computer?"Customer: "Yes."Tech Support: "That is where the keyboard plugs in. The tips are color coded."Customer: "I see. How about the speakers?"

[havnblast]

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"Tech Support: "Yeah."Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

[havnblast]

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the police line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man (who had as yet not been identified) shouted, "That's not what I said!"

[havnblast]

From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

[labyrinth]

Got this page as an E-Mail: Hollywood Squares from Days of Yore > > > > > > Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood > > > Squares Game (before Whoopi) will appreciate these. > > > These are from the days when game show responses > > > were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. > > > These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's. > > > > > > > > > Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, > > > you should be at least how high? > > > > > > A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. > > > > > > A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes... > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. > > > Are you probably a man or a woman? > > > > > > A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party > > > and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out > > > directly and ask him if he's married? > > > > > > A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? > > > > > > A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say > > > "I love you"? > > > > > > A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple > > > and a twenty. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or > > > less with your hands while you are talking? > > > > > > A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older > > > question, Peter... > > > and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget! > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: Paul, why do ****'s Angels wear leather? > > > > > > A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. > > > Are you going to get any during your first year? > > > > > > A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy > > > growing strawberries! > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? > > > > > > A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects > > > at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? > > > > > > A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? > > > > > > A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag > > > his tail. > > > What will a goose do? > > > > > > A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you > > > give birth to? > > > > > > A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid > > > of the dark. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong > > > with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? > > > > > > A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army! > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - > > > what is it? > > > > > > A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't > > > neglected! > > > ___________________________ > > > > > > Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more > > > than 150 pounds? > > > > > > A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee. > > > ___________________________ > > > > > > Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put > > > horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? > > > > > > A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. > > > ____________________________ > > > > > > Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, > > > your wife or your elephant? > > > > > > A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? > > > _____________________________ > > > > > > Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for > > > it's sex? > > > > > > A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up > > > to him. > > > _____________________________ > > > > > > Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly > > > believes in them and has actually seen them on at least > > > two occasions. What are they? > > > > > > A: Charley Weaver: His feet. > > > _____________________________ > > > > > > Q: Do female frogs croak? > > > > > > A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water > > > long enough. > > > _____________________________ > > > > > > Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, > > > can you detect light? > > > > > > A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice

[Jeber]

Oh man, I miss Paul Lynde. He and one particular writer on the show came up with some of the best one-liners ever on TV. This is a great thread. Keep 'em coming.

[havnblast]

A customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer would not work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"AST tech support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.When my friend was working in Escom Sales, there was a guy who came to buy WinWord. Around one hour he called that *the dang thing ain't working*. Moreover, he told to my friend that the whole computer is broken. My friend asked him to bring it to the shop. When the guy came in, I had to get to the back room to laugh. Why? The guy was installing the WinWord. After he finished with a first floppy, he got a screen message, saying, 'please insert disk into into Drive A:\'. So, he did. But, without removing the first floppy...He was convincing us that it wasn't his fault because there was no message saying 'please, remove disk one first' He almost accused my friend of damage....But, the thing which is still puzzling me is, how on earth he pushed a second disk into a drive???A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows". The woman then responded "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his is working fine."

[havnblast]

You will feel smarter after you read these quotes:Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not liveforever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then wewould live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why Iwould not live forever,"--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest."Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all overthe world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"--Mariah Carey"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part ofyour life,"--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson forfederal antismoking campaign."I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward."Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime ratesin the country,"--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC."I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents."That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"--A congressional candidate in Texas."Half this game is ninety percent mental."--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities inour air and water that are doing it."--Al Gore, Vice President"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."--Dan Quayle"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from thetruth. I assisted in furthering that version,"--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony."The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy likeNorman Einstein,"--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst."We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types ofpeople."--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor."If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."--Bill Clinton, President"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."--Al Gore, VP"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 becausewe received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night asthey go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman.....Feeling smarter yet?

[Guest ComputerBob]

I just used the "Print this topic" feature for the first time.

[Stryder]

Saddam's top henchman takes all of Saddam's body doubles into a room. The henchman tells the body doubles, "I got good news and I got bad news". One of the doubles asks, "Whats the good news?". "Well", the top henchman said, "Saddam lived through the bombing attack the other night.""What's the bad news then?", another body double asked. The henchman replies, "Saddam lost an arm in the bombing".

[Stryder]

One more.There were 4 elderly gentleman at the golf course. Right when one was about to tee-off, a funeral drives by. One of the guys stops in mid swing and takes his hat off and watches the funeral drive by. One of the other golfers said, "That was real decent of you"."It was the least I could do", the man said, "I was married to her for 40 years".

[Guest LilBambi]

Here are a couple that I really love, but they are not textual, they are in mp3 form:http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/37/three_d...s_in_a_bag.htmlThere are many fun ones on the page, I am sure, but the ones I really enjoy are:Welcome to the Internet Help Desk (great comic routine) - 7th in the listEvery OS Sucks (song, sorta) - 1st in the list(they have the ability to listen online or download)

[jbredmound]

Do you people realize that Isave most of the "Fwd"s that I receive? Do you realize that I have TWO (count them, TWO ) Winzip files of this stuff, not to mention the stuff I have not compressed yet? You are SCARING ME. Hey Scot!...if you got the server. I'll make the time! ..."he wants your underwear"...stay tuned...

[havnblast]

Bumper Stickers:Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car windowSeen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.Fight Crime: Shoot Back!If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a Jeep)Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.

[havnblast]

More Bumber Stickers:I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of itLOTTERY - a tax on people who are bad at mathYour kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiotSome people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them3 kinds of people - those who can count and those who can'tI swerve for catsHonk if you love peace and quietSlower Traffic Keep off the roadPardon my driving, I'm reloadingIF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALKI brake for no apparent reason

[jbredmound]

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and>moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches>her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she>paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.>>The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm>staying right here!">>>The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that there>is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't>move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to>explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and>return to her seat.>>The blonde replies,"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm>staying right here!">>The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting>when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The>pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde.>I can speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and>she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the>Economy section.>>The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to>make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to>Houston."

[jbredmound]

Mammogram ExercisesMany women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home! Exercise 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough. Exercise 2: Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. Exercise 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!! CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!

[jbredmound]

Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bentover and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! "What was wrong with me?"The doctor said, "You were homesick."

[jbredmound]

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well, that's great...just great...some *******'s got my pen."

[jbredmound]

New medications for your review: D A M I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to **** for up to 8 hours. ST. M A M A' S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. D U M E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person...can we get naked now?" B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. S E X C E D R I N More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome. R A G A M E T When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

[Guest ComputerBob]

At one point, the following Web site was getting 500 hits per second. Now, it has leveled off at 500,000 hits per day:http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com

[GolfProRM]

10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker...

• You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running. He placed bets that Justin would not win the first American Idol. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. Seems strangely calm whenever the office system goes down. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net". Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President". You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, dumbass."

And My Personal favorite!

• When you ask him to help you with a computer problem, he say's "Sure, that will be a picnic!" (PICNIC in techy lingo stands for Problem In Chair Not In Computer).

[Guest LilBambi]

LOL!!!!! Oh, don't make me laugh!ROFL! OK, you can pick me up off the floor now!!!

[havnblast]

Good Ones GolfProRM!!

[badcat]

I can't let you guys have all the fun!! A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" "Can you hear me NOW?" "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" "You know, in some states, we're now legally married." "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" "If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!" "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

[badcat]

Here's some more!!Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. AL GORE I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people. RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitaton the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross. JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it-the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay, and, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. VOLTAIRE I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it. RONALD REAGAN What chicken? CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

[havnblast]

More Bumper Sticker yet:Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.I'm objective...I object to everythingIf everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong laneCAUTION! I DRIVE LIKE YOU DOI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterolEagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked into jet engines...A day without sunlight is like, night.The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheesewhy be difficult, when with a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?Life is too complicated in the morningI'm not driving fast, i'm just flying lowWelcome to New Jersey. Now go home!Guns don't kill people, I doHang up and drive!If you can read this, i can slam on my brakes and sue youBlack holes are where God divided by zeroI'm busy, you're ugly, have a nice day

[havnblast]

1. Will the real dummy please stand up?AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.2. With a little help from our friends:Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."3. What was plan b???An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bankaccounts.4. The getaway!A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.5. Let's be clear about this...Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the police line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man (who had as yet not been identified) shouted, "That's not what I said!"6. Are we communicating??A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"7. Not the sharpest tool in the shed!!In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)8. The grand finale (I love this one!!!) Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Now remember... This is true .... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

[teacher]

Havenblast!What a hoot. I love the last one in particular!